Back to Blogging

Well, I never did get around to typing up and posting my official book reviews for December and I haven't posted much of anything, book related or otherwise, since then.

I was feeling pretty discouraged after the loss of Carina and Nugget in December and recently lost Nova, too. She was in "rattie hospice" care for quite some time and much of my energy was devoted to taking care of her. There has been stress at home and work has been keeping me insanely busy. Plus, I finally figured out that I lack tons of energy and a good portion of it is due to my working night shift. It's hard to function as a normal human when you work nights.

I'm still reading and hoping to find a fun way to keep incorporating books into my blog posts. And to, you know, actually write blog posts.

I am super happy to report that I have fully recovered from my previous relationship, nothing is hanging over my head anymore (except the dryer that I need to have moved from his place). And it feels amazing.

The turning point for me came when I was feeling really down about myself and I was being very hard on myself, namely about the break up and how well it fed some of my greatest insecurities (namely my feelings of inadequacy). And finally I thought to myself, "That is so messed up. Why do I think that way? Why couldn't I be enough for the right person?" I started to evaluate where those feelings were coming from. Granted, this is something I struggle with some on my own, but I finally realized that my last relationship left me feeling this way constantly. Finally, I figured out that I had been dealing with some emotional/mental abuse for at least the last several years of my relationship. The light bulb clicked on and I thought, "That is not the way you treat someone that you love." I don't think I need to go into details unless people think it would help them identify similar things in their own lives. Feel free to reach out to me.

I came around 180 degrees. It was honestly like I found the off switch. I haven't missed him or our relationship since then. There were other issues to deal with, of course, but I felt like a new woman. And much wiser.

I wasn't planning on sharing this with the wide world, but a gal I know was asking for relationship advice from strangers to share in a blog post (read it here: Advice on Love and Relationships from Strangers), and while I did not respond, it got me thinking and made me want to reach out. How do you avoid what I went through? And how could I have recognized it sooner?

I'm not really sure what the answer is. Love is blind and it's hard to see some of the rough stuff. I was aware of his flaws, and yes, some of them were huge red flags. So why did I chose to ignore those? I wish I had answers for you. I guess the main reasons were that I had already devoted so much time and energy into making that relationship work. And also, I loved him more deeply than I honestly thought I was capable of loving someone. But hindsight is 20-20, and I see more of the problems now. I also started researching subtle forms of abuse. One of my favorites was this article: 7 Complex Signs Of Emotional Abuse You May Not Know.

But I also realize that I can recognize those flags better now than I could before. I know much more surely what I am looking for in a relationship and in a partner. And I also learned that I was stronger than that failed relationship. It did not beat me. And if I could love like that before, I can love that way again. And next time, I will be able to choose better.

And don't ignore your feelings! If something feels off or makes you upset and you don't know why, something is probably wrong.

Luckily these realizations came in time for me to meet a truly amazing guy. It's still kind of new, but he checks off everything on my list and then some. We've been seeing each other for a few months now and I know I'm still in the infatuation stage, but I have honestly not found anything to complain about. So you never know what is waiting for you on the other side. I have had plenty of good things happen since I have been single. And I'm glad that I was happy and in a good place before the changes to my love life happened.

I am going on a trip (with said guy) to Portland this week and I am very excited. And I have a super exciting Disney World and Harry Potter World trip planned with some girl friends for later this year! I love having things like this to look forward to! I'm already mentally packing for September...

Anyway, I'm still thinking about the book posts and ways to get more active on this blog again. Working nights isn't ideal for blogging, but I hope I can get back into the swing of things. Thanks for reading!

The Sad Days

I'm still having a lot of sad days. I was doing really well for a while, but seem to have relapsed in the last couple of months. I think my heart is still really broken. And I thought I was doing better, but I'm starting to feel that this is not true.

Some of my friends have probably noticed that I am struggling. There have been so many days when I should be sleeping, but I can stop crying long enough to fall asleep. Some days I get to work early with the intention of reading my book, and dissolve into tears for 20 minutes instead, until I can distract myself away from the pit. And some days the pain is so great that I've had to reach out for help. And luckily for me, several of my friends reach back and text or message me to help me step out of the quicksand.

I usually try to stay quiet about my pain and tears. And, to be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm still hung up on it all. And eventually my feelings seem to dissolve into self pity and self hate, which makes me feel even more embarrassed. No body needs to see that.

I so badly want to be better. I want to move on. And I want to find someone new to love. The problem is that I loved my ex so much, so completely, and with all that I am. It's terrifying (and a little amazing, actually) to love someone so much. It wasn't perfect, but on the whole, I was so happy and I had decided that he was all I wanted in a partner.

I know this sounds corny, but sometimes I really did feel like maybe he was my soul mate, my one true love. I desperately hope that I am wrong. Because it is terrible to feel that way about someone who doesn't love you and didn't love you nearly as much as you loved them. Someone you could never be enough for. And I'm smart enough to never go back to that. I think that put me in a bad and vulnerable position. But knowing that doesn't help me pick up the pieces any faster or more efficiently.

Being with him was so easy and it felt so right. And I can't imagine feeling that way again. I've gone on a couple of dates and even though I really liked one guy, there were no deeper feelings to be had. And I have felt very awkward around them and it has not been easy and natural like I think it should be. Maybe there isn't anyone else like that for me, and I've had my time. I can't even picture finding that again. I don't know what it looks like. Anyway, it's a moot point, I think. I'm not going to be actively looking for anyone for a while. Maybe I just need more time to heal. The gal who has been doing my hair rainbow reminds me a little of myself. She was very in love with a guy. They were together for four years and I asked her how long it had been since they broke up. "Four years." And that stuck with me, for some reason. I think it inspired me a little. She really gave it time to be mourned and to move on, and maybe I am trying to rush my healing too much in my desperate attempts to normalize my life again. On the other hand, I also don't want to be feeling this way forever (which is already how it feels at this point).

Sorry for the downer. I'm just having a really hard time right now. It helps to get it all out in writing, even if no one reads it. If you are reading this, thank you and thank you for caring enough to read my sob story. I promise I don't feel hopeless and sad all of the time. And some days are even good days. Right now, though, I'm still really low on spoons. (Yes spoons, see On Just Being OK if you missed the reference.)

A New Year

Usually I like to take this time to review the last year's resolutions and make some new ones.

Due to the breakup, most of my resolutions fell completely by the wayside. The only thing I accomplished was my reading goal. It was 40, I raised it to 50, and read almost 70.

Next year I hope to read 75.

So I failed all of my other goals. And on top of everything else, that makes me feel discouraged and indifferent (but defensive) by turns.

I guess I need to start form scratch. And I need a new year. This year has been such shit and I'm still so caught up in it. If only a new year was as clean a break as I would like it to be.

My goal this year is to get better. I am trying to eat a little better (mostly), keep going to counseling, and just get my life back in order and on track. I need to buy a new car and I need to start seriously saving towards getting my own place. That is my ultimate goal. It won't happen this year, but it is what I want more than anything right now.

To this end, I went through and completely organized my planner for next year. I will try to look forward more and not solve all my problems by buying books. That's where all my money goes right now instead of saving for car/home.

So that's that. Happy New Year everyone.

Envying Your Happiness (And an Apology)

Yes, you read that correctly. I am envious of the happiness of others.

I didn't realize it for a while. I have been sad, angry, depressed, et cetera since the break up (of course) and in moments of relief, numb.

So I was listening to this audiobook "Let's Pretend This Never Happened (A Mostly True Memoir)" by Jenny Lawson. I was just getting home as she was describing the chapter in which she gets engaged in the most hilarious way possible only to break down in hysterics as I tried to park my car. I was trying to laugh at her outrageous narrative while simultaneously crying--mourning my own loss of my love, my life as I knew it, and a good chunk of my happiness (see also: my security, stability, home).

It then occurred to me how often I have been glossing over my friends' posts about recent engagements, weddings, vacations, honeymoons, home improvements, and so forth. I give them cursory glances and quickly scroll past. For everyone (sorry guys). I had to file away recent wedding invites, thank you cards, and photos, not really realizing why I felt the sudden need to "put them away."

It's because looking at your happiness makes me sad. It makes me miss what I had, (what I thought I had?) and what I thought my life was heading towards.

We were engaged. Vaguely making wedding plans. It was going to be beautiful, unconventional, and fun. We had so many projects going to finish our home to make it really ours. Plans for the future where we would live in a house, or at least a town home or condo where no one would be living above us to wake us up at odd hours of the night. Or maybe our slightly sacrilegious imaginings of purchasing a beautiful ex-church and converting it into a unique home (in which we would rent portions out for gay weddings--this was pre-the recent Supreme Court ruling).

Instead I find my life suddenly and harshly devoid of all of these things. My life had become so entangled with his and our lives so centered around our relationship that I ended up feeling exceedingly lost (and maybe a little broken). I had poured so much of myself into our relationship, especially after our last rough patch (because we were going to make it work! And I had no doubt so I jumped right in with both feet) that I am having trouble finding myself again.

So the happiness (especially in relationships) of my friends serves as a near constant reminder of everything that I have lost. Which right now, seems like an overwhelming amount.

I apologize to my friends. I am happy for you, and I would never wish for any one of you to be unhappy or to give up your happiness. But I envy you right now. I know at the very least, this makes me mean, selfish, and uncaring. I am very sorry for that and I hope no one has felt that I don't care about you or that I am not happy for you. But right now, I can't look at the pictures of the beautiful weddings and smiling faces on the beach. I can't look at the wedding-planning posts and pictures of house renovations and romantic dates nights. I promise that I will be better in the future and I offer the warmest of congratulations. But right now, I have to pass over them. Later on I will go back and look and rejoice for you. But right now I have to keep my rejoicing quiet and brief. I won't mourn forever.

I hope you will bear with me and forgive me. Realizing this made me feel like a horrible person. At the same time, I just need time to mourn. Just know that I love you all and I am happy for you, even if I can't express it in so many words.

A New Chapter

We have come to a sad ending in the last chapter of my life. My boyfriend (and fiancé) of 9 years and I broke up. It has been very hard and I am heartbroken, but comforted by our amicable split which allows us to still help and support each other, my family (who really stepped up to the plate for me) and my friends who have always been amazing at cheering me up.

It's been occasionally stressful because our lives are so very intertwined (which was so easy to do) that it is hard to separate them again. We own so much jointly, we have joint money, joint bills, joint possessions.

Again, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of packing and moving again because I am so very sick of doing that and I thought that this would be my home for many years to come. Plus, this was my home and I put a lot of work and thought into it, too. It's hard to lose that. (Conversely, I think it would be hard for me to stay here because everything reminds me of Isaac).

I am getting better. I know that, one day, I will be OK. That helps. It feels like way too much right now, and I am still so emotional, hurt, angry, stressed, et cetera that sometimes it is hard to remember that. But my appetite has already started to come back a little and I am sleeping a bit better. My crying sessions (of which there are many, about things as trivial as towels to things as big as finding a new place to live) are becoming fewer and farther between (generally). That's also a relief. Even after the first day, I was tired of crying and hurting. It is nice to have a little relief from that, even if I am still a little bit of a mess. But I will survive this and one day I will be OK again.

And Then There Were None

Today my little Remus died. It was very sudden and unexpected. He had been doing really well and acting normally. His appetite was still good and he was still lively and playful. I am not sure if it was a seizure, heart attack, stroke, or what, but it was fast and a little scary. But it was over quickly.

I took this picture of him today, shortly before his episode. I was telling him that he was going to be my witch's familiar for Halloween. He looked unimpressed.

The attack or whatever happened very quickly, but I called the vet to tell them we were coming in because he was having trouble breathing right after. He had stopped breathing by the time my shoes were on, but I ran him to the vet anyway. There was nothing they could do. I was able to say goodbye to him and he will be sent to be cremated.

Such an unhappy, wet rat. But cute.

It's so sad that such great little creatures live so short a time. Despite that, I love little animals and I hope that I will be able to have more rats again one day. It's hard not to fall in love and become a rat person.

Sometimes Remus just wanted to be with me.

I think I will miss talking to Remus the most, followed shortly by cuddling with him (though he was not always much of a cuddler), and sharing my food. Who will I share my food with now? I always give him a little tortilla in the mornings and a little bread when I make sandwiches. I always share my fruit and veggies with him and I loved it when he climbed all over me to try to get to my food.

It was so surprising that I think it will take a while to sink in. Everything was sudden and fast. I am so sad and heartbroken. The first thing I said when he was fading was, "I'm not ready." But I guess that's silly--who is ready to lose someone? I just thought I had more time with him.

I hope my boys are reunited, at least.

What I wouldn't give to share my food with him again. I miss my rats so much. Love you, little Remus.