Friday, September 25, 2015

On Just Being Ok

Most of the time, I am only ok. If you ask me how I am, chances are high that my answer is, "Ok." Some days it's an enthusiastic, surprised, "Ok," because I am surprised and pleased about actually feeling alright. And sometimes is a strangled, "Oookay..." because I barely made it to ok that day.

I can't remember the last time I told someone I was "Good" and meant it. Because most days it's hard to even make it to ok, much less anything better. Those days are the ones where I am extra sad or extra tired. The days where I have to dig deep within myself to care enough to get into the shower. Because sometimes that's hard. Sometimes the motivation and energy is not there.

And then there are some days where I hit ok pretty easily, but I realize that "ok" isn't enough. Ok doesn't get my chores done or get me to the gym or run my errands. And while this makes me feel a little hopeless and inadequate, it also gives me hope. On these days, I can see past ok. And part of me feels that I will never get there, the logical part of me knows that one day I will feel good, or even (heaven forbid) happy. And I miss happy. My crying session the other day revolved around me waking up in the middle of my day (the equivalent to the normal person's middle of the night) crying about wishing I could be happy again. Yep. This is my life.

I have been listening to an audiobook called Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson (which I am really enjoying, by the way) and she had a chapter about her friend's "Spoon Theory." The idea is that, every morning, you wake up with a given amount of spoons to spend for the day. 
Why spoons? I don't know. The point is, that some people have more spoons than others and that doing anything takes at least one spoon. And people who are sick or have disorders or for a plethora of other reasons have fewer spoons than most people. Well, right now I don't get many spoons everyday. And I wish I could get more spoons, but right now that seems impossible. 
That also means that I have to be selective about spending the spoons that I have. Which usually amounts to me not going to the gym. Because it takes all my spoons just to get up, shower, make my lunch and breakfast and go to work. And I plan ahead and try to have extra spoons for days when I need to, for example, clean the rat cage, or run errands. I need to prepare even more spoons in advance if I know I have to talk to someone (like me not yet filling my prescription because I actually have to talk to a real person or not calling someone back the same day because calling them back tomorrow seems easier). 

Reading this book came at a pretty good time, obviously. I thought the spoon theory felt like my life right now. I may be mildly depressed (OK, I'm depressed, sue me), but it isn't serious and it is certainly situational. And I know I need to move forward in my life if I am going to get out of this depression because depression has a way of holding you back and holding you in place. But I can only fight with as many spoons as I have. And sometimes, I barely have enough spoons to make it to "ok." One day, I hope I get past ok. Because I miss happy.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Fangirl Review

I liked this one so much that I wanted to share it here as well as my book blog.

I just finished Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell, which I read via audiobook (it counts, this very book says so).

I went in not expecting much because I had heard that it was good, but that it didn’t live up to her other books. Granted, I have never read anything else by this author (yet). But I ended up giving this book 5 out of 5 stars. I love it.

This book spoke to me on another level. I felt like she was in my head for much of this book. I related to the main character in so many ways (except that I am not a great writer, of fanfiction or fiction. Let me know if you need a research paper written). I saw myself in the main character, Cather (also, I love that name). When she was feeling betrayed and like her world was coming down, I related to her then, too. I cried for her (and for myself because I have been so emotional lately and her emotions spoke strongly to mine). But I also wanted to wrap her up in a blanket and love her and take care of her.

I was anxious for so long because she would not do her assignment! And it drove me so crazy that I was talking to her (I talk to my audiobooks if they are good. It’s a sign that I am drawn in and invested, not a sign that I am crazy...).

Book quote: “‘No,’ Cath said, ‘seriously. Look at you. You’ve got your shit together, you’re not scared of anything. I’m scared of everything. And I’m crazy. Like maybe you think I’m a little crazy, but I only ever let people see the tip of my crazy iceberg. Underneath this veneer of slightly crazy and socially inept, I’m a complete disaster.’“ I got to this part and went, “That’s me!”

I also loved her roommate, Reagan. She was so funny and just a little wild. But through the teasing (which was legitimately funny), she always had Cather’s back when it really mattered.

And I thought it was wonderful how Cather could escape into her fictional worlds. As a fantasy reader myself who is not always in touch with the real world, it was nice to meet a character who felt the same way. That’s one of the reasons I read: to escape and explore different worlds.

Additionally, the narrators of the audiobook (yes, narrators plural) were very good. It was done a little differently than other audiobooks I have listened to, but it was good!

I could see how this book would definitely not be for everyone and I did see many negative reviews. I think there is kind of a target audience, of which I am a part of. For me, this was a very personal read and it made me laugh and cry and think. So I love it.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Distractions and Reading

It's been a while since I blogged. My life feels so transitional and surreal right now that it is hard to think about things, anythings.

My main goal for a while now is just to distract myself from feeling and from thinking about the breakup (loss of relationship, home, et cetera). Besides spending WAY too much time on the internet (sorry Facebook friends for posting tons of articles, pictures, status updates... and I know some have noticed...) I have also been reading much more than normal. So much in fact, that I upped my yearly reading goal from 40 books to 50 (because at the end of August I was at 39 read for the year... and I'm still 7 books ahead of schedule...).

I have started to become more active in book communities on Instagram and Tumblr and Twitter. Because of that, I began a little Tumblr book blog where I can share pictures, quotes, and book reviews. I just started it, so it is a little rough around the edges still, but here it is: Literary Treasure Trove. If it does OK and I keep up with it, maybe I will link it back into this blog more. So I will be posting fewer reviews here and much more on the Treasure Trove. There are a few books I will probably post reviews of here, when I particularly love something or for special events (like October Halloween reading. Because Halloween).

Plus, I have been rewarding myself for emotional/physical strain of moving with books, so my book collection is increasing more rapidly than usual.

So that's my new thing. We will see what comes from it. Right now, it is a nice escape. Just read all the time and write about what I am reading.