The Sad Days

I'm still having a lot of sad days. I was doing really well for a while, but seem to have relapsed in the last couple of months. I think my heart is still really broken. And I thought I was doing better, but I'm starting to feel that this is not true.

Some of my friends have probably noticed that I am struggling. There have been so many days when I should be sleeping, but I can stop crying long enough to fall asleep. Some days I get to work early with the intention of reading my book, and dissolve into tears for 20 minutes instead, until I can distract myself away from the pit. And some days the pain is so great that I've had to reach out for help. And luckily for me, several of my friends reach back and text or message me to help me step out of the quicksand.

I usually try to stay quiet about my pain and tears. And, to be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm still hung up on it all. And eventually my feelings seem to dissolve into self pity and self hate, which makes me feel even more embarrassed. No body needs to see that.

I so badly want to be better. I want to move on. And I want to find someone new to love. The problem is that I loved my ex so much, so completely, and with all that I am. It's terrifying (and a little amazing, actually) to love someone so much. It wasn't perfect, but on the whole, I was so happy and I had decided that he was all I wanted in a partner.

I know this sounds corny, but sometimes I really did feel like maybe he was my soul mate, my one true love. I desperately hope that I am wrong. Because it is terrible to feel that way about someone who doesn't love you and didn't love you nearly as much as you loved them. Someone you could never be enough for. And I'm smart enough to never go back to that. I think that put me in a bad and vulnerable position. But knowing that doesn't help me pick up the pieces any faster or more efficiently.

Being with him was so easy and it felt so right. And I can't imagine feeling that way again. I've gone on a couple of dates and even though I really liked one guy, there were no deeper feelings to be had. And I have felt very awkward around them and it has not been easy and natural like I think it should be. Maybe there isn't anyone else like that for me, and I've had my time. I can't even picture finding that again. I don't know what it looks like. Anyway, it's a moot point, I think. I'm not going to be actively looking for anyone for a while. Maybe I just need more time to heal. The gal who has been doing my hair rainbow reminds me a little of myself. She was very in love with a guy. They were together for four years and I asked her how long it had been since they broke up. "Four years." And that stuck with me, for some reason. I think it inspired me a little. She really gave it time to be mourned and to move on, and maybe I am trying to rush my healing too much in my desperate attempts to normalize my life again. On the other hand, I also don't want to be feeling this way forever (which is already how it feels at this point).

Sorry for the downer. I'm just having a really hard time right now. It helps to get it all out in writing, even if no one reads it. If you are reading this, thank you and thank you for caring enough to read my sob story. I promise I don't feel hopeless and sad all of the time. And some days are even good days. Right now, though, I'm still really low on spoons. (Yes spoons, see On Just Being OK if you missed the reference.)

On Just Being Ok

Most of the time, I am only ok. If you ask me how I am, chances are high that my answer is, "Ok." Some days it's an enthusiastic, surprised, "Ok," because I am surprised and pleased about actually feeling alright. And sometimes is a strangled, "Oookay..." because I barely made it to ok that day.

I can't remember the last time I told someone I was "Good" and meant it. Because most days it's hard to even make it to ok, much less anything better. Those days are the ones where I am extra sad or extra tired. The days where I have to dig deep within myself to care enough to get into the shower. Because sometimes that's hard. Sometimes the motivation and energy is not there.

And then there are some days where I hit ok pretty easily, but I realize that "ok" isn't enough. Ok doesn't get my chores done or get me to the gym or run my errands. And while this makes me feel a little hopeless and inadequate, it also gives me hope. On these days, I can see past ok. And part of me feels that I will never get there, the logical part of me knows that one day I will feel good, or even (heaven forbid) happy. And I miss happy. My crying session the other day revolved around me waking up in the middle of my day (the equivalent to the normal person's middle of the night) crying about wishing I could be happy again. Yep. This is my life.

I have been listening to an audiobook called Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson (which I am really enjoying, by the way) and she had a chapter about her friend's "Spoon Theory." The idea is that, every morning, you wake up with a given amount of spoons to spend for the day. 

 

Why spoons? I don't know. The point is, that some people have more spoons than others and that doing anything takes at least one spoon. And people who are sick or have disorders or for a plethora of other reasons have fewer spoons than most people. Well, right now I don't get many spoons everyday. And I wish I could get more spoons, but right now that seems impossible. 

 

That also means that I have to be selective about spending the spoons that I have. Which usually amounts to me not going to the gym. Because it takes all my spoons just to get up, shower, make my lunch and breakfast and go to work. And I plan ahead and try to have extra spoons for days when I need to, for example, clean the rat cage, or run errands. I need to prepare even more spoons in advance if I know I have to talk to someone (like me not yet filling my prescription because I actually have to talk to a real person or not calling someone back the same day because calling them back tomorrow seems easier). 

Reading this book came at a pretty good time, obviously. I thought the spoon theory felt like my life right now. I may be mildly depressed (OK, I'm depressed, sue me), but it isn't serious and it is certainly situational. And I know I need to move forward in my life if I am going to get out of this depression because depression has a way of holding you back and holding you in place. But I can only fight with as many spoons as I have. And sometimes, I barely have enough spoons to make it to "ok." One day, I hope I get past ok. Because I miss happy.