The Sad Days

I'm still having a lot of sad days. I was doing really well for a while, but seem to have relapsed in the last couple of months. I think my heart is still really broken. And I thought I was doing better, but I'm starting to feel that this is not true.

Some of my friends have probably noticed that I am struggling. There have been so many days when I should be sleeping, but I can stop crying long enough to fall asleep. Some days I get to work early with the intention of reading my book, and dissolve into tears for 20 minutes instead, until I can distract myself away from the pit. And some days the pain is so great that I've had to reach out for help. And luckily for me, several of my friends reach back and text or message me to help me step out of the quicksand.

I usually try to stay quiet about my pain and tears. And, to be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm still hung up on it all. And eventually my feelings seem to dissolve into self pity and self hate, which makes me feel even more embarrassed. No body needs to see that.

I so badly want to be better. I want to move on. And I want to find someone new to love. The problem is that I loved my ex so much, so completely, and with all that I am. It's terrifying (and a little amazing, actually) to love someone so much. It wasn't perfect, but on the whole, I was so happy and I had decided that he was all I wanted in a partner.

I know this sounds corny, but sometimes I really did feel like maybe he was my soul mate, my one true love. I desperately hope that I am wrong. Because it is terrible to feel that way about someone who doesn't love you and didn't love you nearly as much as you loved them. Someone you could never be enough for. And I'm smart enough to never go back to that. I think that put me in a bad and vulnerable position. But knowing that doesn't help me pick up the pieces any faster or more efficiently.

Being with him was so easy and it felt so right. And I can't imagine feeling that way again. I've gone on a couple of dates and even though I really liked one guy, there were no deeper feelings to be had. And I have felt very awkward around them and it has not been easy and natural like I think it should be. Maybe there isn't anyone else like that for me, and I've had my time. I can't even picture finding that again. I don't know what it looks like. Anyway, it's a moot point, I think. I'm not going to be actively looking for anyone for a while. Maybe I just need more time to heal. The gal who has been doing my hair rainbow reminds me a little of myself. She was very in love with a guy. They were together for four years and I asked her how long it had been since they broke up. "Four years." And that stuck with me, for some reason. I think it inspired me a little. She really gave it time to be mourned and to move on, and maybe I am trying to rush my healing too much in my desperate attempts to normalize my life again. On the other hand, I also don't want to be feeling this way forever (which is already how it feels at this point).

Sorry for the downer. I'm just having a really hard time right now. It helps to get it all out in writing, even if no one reads it. If you are reading this, thank you and thank you for caring enough to read my sob story. I promise I don't feel hopeless and sad all of the time. And some days are even good days. Right now, though, I'm still really low on spoons. (Yes spoons, see On Just Being OK if you missed the reference.)

What I Miss

I'm not crazy about sleeping alone.

i miss laughing with him and all the odd and silly things he used to do or say.

I miss his smile. And I miss him being happy to see me.

I really miss being held. I always thought that the very best place to be was in his arms.

I miss all of our time spent together and long for the plans we'd made (like watching the Star Wars trilogy and riding the light rail down to a Rockies game to name a couple I was looking forward to).

I miss talking to him about anything and everything and vice-versa.

I miss kissing him and holding his hand.

But more than anything, I miss telling him that I love him.

And while some of his feelings may have changed, and even though I am heart-broken, my feelings have stayed the same. I still love him with an unrivaled fierceness that I never expected I could. And despite everything, I can't help whispering to the room that I love him when he leaves. It's very hard to not tell him.

Another Valentine's Day...

AKA: Singles' Awareness Day. That's what we always called it.

I sort of hate Valentines Day but I am torn because I always love excuses to show Isaac that I love him. Don't get me wrong, I show him on other days, too, not just on holidays.

Usually Isaac and I get each other funny/stupid Valentine's Day stuff. I usually get him some awful V-day boxers, but I failed on that this year. I got him a silly card (its a little racy too), so that's fun. And he usually gets me chocolate. Stereotypical, yes, but I LOVE chocolate.

Last night Isaac did ask me if I wanted to do something for V-day, which was sweet. I know he's not a huge fan of V-day but he was willing to do something anyway. I told him the truth-I like knowing that he loves me but that V-day is stupid. I prefer knowing that he loves me all the time, not just one day. And he told me he loves me everyday. Sweet right? I got a good guy.

Otherwise I hate all the commercialization and expectations. I don't see why it matters. I would much rather be with someone who shows me that he loves me on random days, not one who "shows" me on one specific day of the year. That makes it not at all special. iamevilcupcake (see her blog here: iamevilcupcake: Screw You Valentines Day) tweeted: "Ah Valentines's Day. The day when men get high praise for doing something they should really be doing the other 364 days a year." I agree with that completely.

So all you couples out enjoying your high-priced celebrations of "love," enjoy. I hope you get that more than once per year. I will actually be spending my evening tutoring a student and working out with my girl friends. And this weekend? My girl friends and I are going to have a 50s-style dress up fondue night! That's what we like to do for Valentine's day! Girls night! Yes! So excited. I will share more of that later.

Happy Valentine's Day (I guess?). And Isaac: I always love you. Everyday know that I love you.