Well, I never did get around to typing up and posting my official book reviews for December and I haven't posted much of anything, book related or otherwise, since then.
I was feeling pretty discouraged after the loss of Carina and Nugget in December and recently lost Nova, too. She was in "rattie hospice" care for quite some time and much of my energy was devoted to taking care of her. There has been stress at home and work has been keeping me insanely busy. Plus, I finally figured out that I lack tons of energy and a good portion of it is due to my working night shift. It's hard to function as a normal human when you work nights.
I'm still reading and hoping to find a fun way to keep incorporating books into my blog posts. And to, you know, actually write blog posts.
I am super happy to report that I have fully recovered from my previous relationship, nothing is hanging over my head anymore (except the dryer that I need to have moved from his place). And it feels amazing.
The turning point for me came when I was feeling really down about myself and I was being very hard on myself, namely about the break up and how well it fed some of my greatest insecurities (namely my feelings of inadequacy). And finally I thought to myself, "That is so messed up. Why do I think that way? Why couldn't I be enough for the right person?" I started to evaluate where those feelings were coming from. Granted, this is something I struggle with some on my own, but I finally realized that my last relationship left me feeling this way constantly. Finally, I figured out that I had been dealing with some emotional/mental abuse for at least the last several years of my relationship. The light bulb clicked on and I thought, "That is not the way you treat someone that you love." I don't think I need to go into details unless people think it would help them identify similar things in their own lives. Feel free to reach out to me.
I came around 180 degrees. It was honestly like I found the off switch. I haven't missed him or our relationship since then. There were other issues to deal with, of course, but I felt like a new woman. And much wiser.
I wasn't planning on sharing this with the wide world, but a gal I know was asking for relationship advice from strangers to share in a blog post (read it here: Advice on Love and Relationships from Strangers), and while I did not respond, it got me thinking and made me want to reach out. How do you avoid what I went through? And how could I have recognized it sooner?
I'm not really sure what the answer is. Love is blind and it's hard to see some of the rough stuff. I was aware of his flaws, and yes, some of them were huge red flags. So why did I chose to ignore those? I wish I had answers for you. I guess the main reasons were that I had already devoted so much time and energy into making that relationship work. And also, I loved him more deeply than I honestly thought I was capable of loving someone. But hindsight is 20-20, and I see more of the problems now. I also started researching subtle forms of abuse. One of my favorites was this article: 7 Complex Signs Of Emotional Abuse You May Not Know.
But I also realize that I can recognize those flags better now than I could before. I know much more surely what I am looking for in a relationship and in a partner. And I also learned that I was stronger than that failed relationship. It did not beat me. And if I could love like that before, I can love that way again. And next time, I will be able to choose better.
And don't ignore your feelings! If something feels off or makes you upset and you don't know why, something is probably wrong.
Luckily these realizations came in time for me to meet a truly amazing guy. It's still kind of new, but he checks off everything on my list and then some. We've been seeing each other for a few months now and I know I'm still in the infatuation stage, but I have honestly not found anything to complain about. So you never know what is waiting for you on the other side. I have had plenty of good things happen since I have been single. And I'm glad that I was happy and in a good place before the changes to my love life happened.
I am going on a trip (with said guy) to Portland this week and I am very excited. And I have a super exciting Disney World and Harry Potter World trip planned with some girl friends for later this year! I love having things like this to look forward to! I'm already mentally packing for September...
Anyway, I'm still thinking about the book posts and ways to get more active on this blog again. Working nights isn't ideal for blogging, but I hope I can get back into the swing of things. Thanks for reading!
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Friday, May 19, 2017
Monday, May 16, 2016
Big Steps
After some conversations with my counselor (and my mom and my dance instructor... like, really?) and some soul searching and research of my own, I have decided to put myself out there and try dating again. By again, I just mean, try dating, because I did very little of that um... ever.
I did quite a bit of reading, looking for advice, tips, and personal accounts. How long is long enough? How do you know you are ready?
I won't lie, I knew I wasn't ready for a long time. And actually, when I initially started to look into dating and started to create a profile, I totally freaked and knew that I wasn't quite there yet.
After some time and more thinking, I decided to try again. I did more reading and looked specifically on eHarmony. I figured, working nights and no social life leaves me next to no chance of meeting someone and that this would help me "weed out" the ones who are not serious and not interested in the same things I am. Plus my counselor and I discussed it and she thinks that I have come a really long way and that it is a good idea. So with her approval, I decided to try.
I went through, what seemed like, a never-ending mourning period. All of the sudden, about 3-4 weeks ago, something (I have no idea what) changed. I suddenly started feeling so much better, more motivated and less depressed. I have only had a couple of sad periods since then (and both were brief). The relief is incredible. I wish I knew what happened, but I am so glad that it did. I would attribute some of it to counseling and some of it to dance (which makes me more happy than I thought it could). Even a couple of my friends who saw me in the past week or so told me that I look and sound so much better.
This is a pretty big step for me, but I feel like I am ready to look for a new, meaningful connection. I would like to have that bond and that closeness again, but with someone new and who is, hopefully, a better fit for me.
It's still really new, but I am feeling fairly optimistic. (And I have my first date coming up pretty soon, and I am actually excited. And a bit nervous, but mostly excited. We went through the eHarmony communications and eventually exchanged numbers and have been talking/texting every day for extended periods of time. It's been pretty wonderful. We will see how it goes!)
So there you have it. Does anyone out there have any advice for me and other people like me? Any hazards of online dating to avoid? Stories and experiences to share? I would like to hear them! And maybe sometime soon, I will even have some advice and stories to share.
I did quite a bit of reading, looking for advice, tips, and personal accounts. How long is long enough? How do you know you are ready?
I won't lie, I knew I wasn't ready for a long time. And actually, when I initially started to look into dating and started to create a profile, I totally freaked and knew that I wasn't quite there yet.
After some time and more thinking, I decided to try again. I did more reading and looked specifically on eHarmony. I figured, working nights and no social life leaves me next to no chance of meeting someone and that this would help me "weed out" the ones who are not serious and not interested in the same things I am. Plus my counselor and I discussed it and she thinks that I have come a really long way and that it is a good idea. So with her approval, I decided to try.
I went through, what seemed like, a never-ending mourning period. All of the sudden, about 3-4 weeks ago, something (I have no idea what) changed. I suddenly started feeling so much better, more motivated and less depressed. I have only had a couple of sad periods since then (and both were brief). The relief is incredible. I wish I knew what happened, but I am so glad that it did. I would attribute some of it to counseling and some of it to dance (which makes me more happy than I thought it could). Even a couple of my friends who saw me in the past week or so told me that I look and sound so much better.
This is a pretty big step for me, but I feel like I am ready to look for a new, meaningful connection. I would like to have that bond and that closeness again, but with someone new and who is, hopefully, a better fit for me.
It's still really new, but I am feeling fairly optimistic. (And I have my first date coming up pretty soon, and I am actually excited. And a bit nervous, but mostly excited. We went through the eHarmony communications and eventually exchanged numbers and have been talking/texting every day for extended periods of time. It's been pretty wonderful. We will see how it goes!)
So there you have it. Does anyone out there have any advice for me and other people like me? Any hazards of online dating to avoid? Stories and experiences to share? I would like to hear them! And maybe sometime soon, I will even have some advice and stories to share.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Growing Up
Growing up can be difficult in so many different ways. I feel like I am constantly dealing with and adjusting to the idea of growing up and being a grown up.
If it isn't about money, it is about jobs, if not that, then relationships, or chores, or learning more and understanding better, or letting things go, or watching my health.
When I graduated with my Bachelors, I got pretty depressed after a couple months. First of all, I had no luck with getting a job in my area. Also, I didn't know how to not be in school. It was a pretty scary adjustment for me.
After the years passed and now that I have finished my Masters, I feel like I understand better and have a little more preparation, but I still feel like I don't always want to be a responsible grown up. Sometimes I don't want to work and do chores and pay bills--OK, no one really WANTS to do these things, but you know what I mean, right?
What triggered this post? Well, in my process of trying to grow up, I really need to clean, consolidate, and reduce the amount of stuff (dare I say "crap") that I have. I was trying to organize and clean the spare room (and I always start one place and end up in a hundred other places) and ended up going through boxes in my closet. I didn't even know what was in most of them.
During my excavation, I found an old shoe box which I had used to hide away some of the most negative and hurtful things from several years ago. This was around the time of my parents' divorce and the horrible falling out with my sister. It was a long time ago and things are so much better now, so I am not going to dig up too many details.
I put away letters, pictures, cards, notes, whatever hurt or made me angry into this little box. I don't even remember who suggested that I do this. I was in such a bad place then.
But it had been years since I have seen or even thought about this box. So I opened it up and opened everything inside up. Some things were pictures and cards that my sister had drawn or made for me, as well as some pictures my family. I used to keep all of these out in my room and then my dorm rooms as mementos and happy reminders. When it got to the point that it hurt to look at these things, I wasn't willing to throw them out (because I am insanely sentimental--to the point of it being a fault, actually, it can be almost debilitating). So when someone suggested a box, I put it all in there. Separated. Then maybe I could separate myself from what was hurting.
I pulled out several pieces of art Kema had made for me. She's quite the artist, you know. And I'm glad that it doesn't hurt to look at them (though it does make me sad--our relationship has never been the same). I found a rough draft of a letter I had written her for her Psychology class. Yes, I kept a copy. It was kind of funny, reading back through that. I know I was trying to show her that I cared and loved her (and I sure hope some of that came through), but man, I was pretty naive, I think. And probably a bit selfish. And I also realize that much of my relationship with my sister seems to center around a weird selfishness that I imposed upon her. And maybe a little jealousy. Despite feeling like I was a horrible sister, at least some of the time, it's funny to look back and see where I tried to show that I loved her. That one made me laugh a little.
I also found a series of notes that I had written my (often very angry) feelings out on and stuck in the box. I had to get the feelings out and keep them separate, you see. Some were about Kema, some were about my mom and the divorce.
I read through the ones about Kema and thought, "I am definitely over this," and I threw them away. It was time. Past time, I think! That was a relief.
The ones about my mom and the divorce actually still hurt though. I think that I have come to pretty good terms with the way my family life has turned out. It was hard and it took a long time, but things are pretty good. But I cried when I read one because I still have dreams that my family is together or just starting to fall apart. It's always my family, my parents, but scenery and scenarios vary. I didn't really realize how often I still dreamed about these things until I read the letter. Some of the hurt is still so close to the surface. And I was actually pretty shocked. Even though I am OK with things, I think I had a really hard time loosing my family and my home life like that and, apparently, it still gets to me.
I had also forgotten what a complete mess I was. Good grief. I am glad that is over. At the same time, though, I can see how much hurt and anger I had. I guess that would make anyone a little crazy.
I'm older now, and hopefully wiser. I was sad, yes, but I think I can look at things a little differently now. At least while I am awake, since I can do little about my dreams.
Growing up is crazy.
If it isn't about money, it is about jobs, if not that, then relationships, or chores, or learning more and understanding better, or letting things go, or watching my health.
When I graduated with my Bachelors, I got pretty depressed after a couple months. First of all, I had no luck with getting a job in my area. Also, I didn't know how to not be in school. It was a pretty scary adjustment for me.
After the years passed and now that I have finished my Masters, I feel like I understand better and have a little more preparation, but I still feel like I don't always want to be a responsible grown up. Sometimes I don't want to work and do chores and pay bills--OK, no one really WANTS to do these things, but you know what I mean, right?
What triggered this post? Well, in my process of trying to grow up, I really need to clean, consolidate, and reduce the amount of stuff (dare I say "crap") that I have. I was trying to organize and clean the spare room (and I always start one place and end up in a hundred other places) and ended up going through boxes in my closet. I didn't even know what was in most of them.
During my excavation, I found an old shoe box which I had used to hide away some of the most negative and hurtful things from several years ago. This was around the time of my parents' divorce and the horrible falling out with my sister. It was a long time ago and things are so much better now, so I am not going to dig up too many details.
I put away letters, pictures, cards, notes, whatever hurt or made me angry into this little box. I don't even remember who suggested that I do this. I was in such a bad place then.
But it had been years since I have seen or even thought about this box. So I opened it up and opened everything inside up. Some things were pictures and cards that my sister had drawn or made for me, as well as some pictures my family. I used to keep all of these out in my room and then my dorm rooms as mementos and happy reminders. When it got to the point that it hurt to look at these things, I wasn't willing to throw them out (because I am insanely sentimental--to the point of it being a fault, actually, it can be almost debilitating). So when someone suggested a box, I put it all in there. Separated. Then maybe I could separate myself from what was hurting.
I pulled out several pieces of art Kema had made for me. She's quite the artist, you know. And I'm glad that it doesn't hurt to look at them (though it does make me sad--our relationship has never been the same). I found a rough draft of a letter I had written her for her Psychology class. Yes, I kept a copy. It was kind of funny, reading back through that. I know I was trying to show her that I cared and loved her (and I sure hope some of that came through), but man, I was pretty naive, I think. And probably a bit selfish. And I also realize that much of my relationship with my sister seems to center around a weird selfishness that I imposed upon her. And maybe a little jealousy. Despite feeling like I was a horrible sister, at least some of the time, it's funny to look back and see where I tried to show that I loved her. That one made me laugh a little.
I also found a series of notes that I had written my (often very angry) feelings out on and stuck in the box. I had to get the feelings out and keep them separate, you see. Some were about Kema, some were about my mom and the divorce.
I read through the ones about Kema and thought, "I am definitely over this," and I threw them away. It was time. Past time, I think! That was a relief.
The ones about my mom and the divorce actually still hurt though. I think that I have come to pretty good terms with the way my family life has turned out. It was hard and it took a long time, but things are pretty good. But I cried when I read one because I still have dreams that my family is together or just starting to fall apart. It's always my family, my parents, but scenery and scenarios vary. I didn't really realize how often I still dreamed about these things until I read the letter. Some of the hurt is still so close to the surface. And I was actually pretty shocked. Even though I am OK with things, I think I had a really hard time loosing my family and my home life like that and, apparently, it still gets to me.
I had also forgotten what a complete mess I was. Good grief. I am glad that is over. At the same time, though, I can see how much hurt and anger I had. I guess that would make anyone a little crazy.
I'm older now, and hopefully wiser. I was sad, yes, but I think I can look at things a little differently now. At least while I am awake, since I can do little about my dreams.
Growing up is crazy.
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