Growing Up

Growing up can be difficult in so many different ways. I feel like I am constantly dealing with and adjusting to the idea of growing up and being a grown up.

If it isn't about money, it is about jobs, if not that, then relationships, or chores, or learning more and understanding better, or letting things go, or watching my health.

When I graduated with my Bachelors, I got pretty depressed after a couple months. First of all, I had no luck with getting a job in my area. Also, I didn't know how to not be in school. It was a pretty scary adjustment for me.

After the years passed and now that I have finished my Masters, I feel like I understand better and have a little more preparation, but I still feel like I don't always want to be a responsible grown up. Sometimes I don't want to work and do chores and pay bills--OK, no one really WANTS to do these things, but you know what I mean, right?

What triggered this post? Well, in my process of trying to grow up, I really need to clean, consolidate, and reduce the amount of stuff (dare I say "crap") that I have. I was trying to organize and clean the spare room (and I always start one place and end up in a hundred other places) and ended up going through boxes in my closet. I didn't even know what was in most of them.

During my excavation, I found an old shoe box which I had used to hide away some of the most negative and hurtful things from several years ago. This was around the time of my parents' divorce and the horrible falling out with my sister. It was a long time ago and things are so much better now, so I am not going to dig up too many details.

I put away letters, pictures, cards, notes, whatever hurt or made me angry into this little box. I don't even remember who suggested that I do this. I was in such a bad place then.

But it had been years since I have seen or even thought about this box. So I opened it up and opened everything inside up. Some things were pictures and cards that my sister had drawn or made for me, as well as some pictures my family. I used to keep all of these out in my room and then my dorm rooms as mementos and happy reminders. When it got to the point that it hurt to look at these things, I wasn't willing to throw them out (because I am insanely sentimental--to the point of it being a fault, actually, it can be almost debilitating). So when someone suggested a box, I put it all in there. Separated. Then maybe I could separate myself from what was hurting.

I pulled out several pieces of art Kema had made for me. She's quite the artist, you know. And I'm glad that it doesn't hurt to look at them (though it does make me sad--our relationship has never been the same). I found a rough draft of a letter I had written her for her Psychology class. Yes, I kept a copy. It was kind of funny, reading back through that. I know I was trying to show her that I cared and loved her (and I sure hope some of that came through), but man, I was pretty naive, I think. And probably a bit selfish. And I also realize that much of my relationship with my sister seems to center around a weird selfishness that I imposed upon her. And maybe a little jealousy. Despite feeling like I was a horrible sister, at least some of the time, it's funny to look back and see where I tried to show that I loved her. That one made me laugh a little.

I also found a series of notes that I had written my (often very angry) feelings out on and stuck in the box. I had to get the feelings out and keep them separate, you see. Some were about Kema, some were about my mom and the divorce.

I read through the ones about Kema and thought, "I am definitely over this," and I threw them away. It was time. Past time, I think! That was a relief.

The ones about my mom and the divorce actually still hurt though. I think that I have come to pretty good terms with the way my family life has turned out. It was hard and it took a long time, but things are pretty good. But I cried when I read one because I still have dreams that my family is together or just starting to fall apart. It's always my family, my parents, but scenery and scenarios vary. I didn't really realize how often I still dreamed about these things until I read the letter. Some of the hurt is still so close to the surface. And I was actually pretty shocked. Even though I am OK with things, I think I had a really hard time loosing my family and my home life like that and, apparently, it still gets to me.

I had also forgotten what a complete mess I was. Good grief. I am glad that is over. At the same time, though, I can see how much hurt and anger I had. I guess that would make anyone a little crazy.

I'm older now, and hopefully wiser. I was sad, yes, but I think I can look at things a little differently now. At least while I am awake, since I can do little about my dreams.

Growing up is crazy.

Big Life Changes

Most of the people close to me know this already.

A couple of days ago, Isaac broke up with me.

I'm feeling very lost right now. Sometimes it doesn't quite feel real and sometimes I can't even imagine my life moving on.

So I cry a lot and sleep and eat very little.

Remember that condo we were buying? I have to move again. I can't just lose the love of my life, but my home, too. This has been very hard for me. And I didn't want to move for at least 5-10 more years. Now I will be back in the apartment renting cycle, which makes me feel like I am taking about 20 steps backwards. And doing this alone without Isaac's support sure doesn't help anything. I always felt like I do nearly anything as long as I had Isaac with me. But now the person who was my main support (emotionally, mentally, and occasionally financially) is gone and so is all sense of stability that I had in having our own home. And I, apparently, can't call this place "home" anymore. So I just tell people that I'm "going back." Which eats at me a bit because I feel like its still supposed to be home and like we're still supposed to be together.

I feel really stupid, generally. I always tried to be so independent and I think I broke several of my rules during the course of this relationship. But I never, not once, thought to question this. And I guess I should have.

Of course, about two weeks ago we had started planning our wedding. Just to rub some more salt in that wound. So yes, I was caught completely off-guard. We knew what the location was going to be, looked at venues and pricing. We made a rough guest list, picked colors and some decor ideas. I'm not sure what happened to the man who wanted to marry me and spend our lives together. But he was replaced with a man who loves me, but not enough to be with me. Which makes me feel like there must be some pretty serious things wrong with me. I always said that I wasn't meant to be in a relationship. I thought Isaac had proved me wrong. I guess I was right after all.

And I can't imagine ever finding someone else that I can love this much. Even after all of this, I love him more than I thought I could ever love someone. It breaks my heart time and time again. But I never really wanted a relationship, so maybe this is how my life is supposed to be. I always imagined living life by myself before Isaac came along. I also can't imagine finding someone who could love me that much with all the stupid crap that I do and say. I always found it so amazing that Isaac could love me and be attracted to me. I'd never felt that before.

Basically, I'm having a really, really hard time. I kind of wish time would just pass already so I won't feel like this anymore. I'm ready for the pain to stop and it's only been two days. I'm ready to be OK again. But I'm still stuck at that part where nothing is OK without Isaac in my life.Which sounds so co-dependent and annoying, but I can't help feeling and thinking that way. For me it felt so right that we were together and I was so happy. Damn life is cruel. Life gave me somebody that I could love so strongly that the thought of leaving never crossed my mind. Then Life let him stay with me long enough to feel so sure. And then Life made it so that he could not love me enough. That's just so unfair.

This is what I am attempting to deal with. While half-heartedly looking for a new place to live. Right now I am in our second bedroom. And while that feels less home-like, I still kind of like being here despite the close proximity. I keep thinking that if we both could get to a better place and heal quickly, this arrangement might work for a while. At least until I grow into the idea of finding a new place to live. Which I think I will want eventually anyway, just not right now.

And I know this was all one huge emotional rambling session. I apologize. Blogging may end up on the back-burner for a while, but I hope you'll all stick with me.

During this time, the only song I have wanted to listen to is this one: John Rzeznik "I'm Still Here." I'm not sure why, really. It's just what I want to hear all the time. Don't get in my car anytime soon, this just plays on loop. And as a result, I also watch Treasure Planet a lot. Someone explain this?

To add another facet to the problem, I am going to miss his family. I am actually quite attached to them and I always felt like we were family and Isaac and I would stay together, so of course they were my family. Luckily, I think some of them will keep in touch. His cousin, who is one of my favorite people, told me that I can't get rid of them that easily. That makes me feel a little better.

Despite feeling so sad and lost and crying all the time, I still don't have it in my heart to be angry. Sometimes I start to feel a little angry or bitter, but I still love him too much to hold it against him. It breaks my heart that he was unhappy and that I couldn't fix it. I wish I could have a second chance, but life doesn't always work that way. I can't make him love me more. I wish to heaven and hell that I could. But that's very selfish. I can't help thinking it though. I was so happy.

I am lucky enough to have lots of family and friends who are trying to help me out. I'm grateful. I think I will need all of the help I can get.