A New Chapter

We have come to a sad ending in the last chapter of my life. My boyfriend (and fiancé) of 9 years and I broke up. It has been very hard and I am heartbroken, but comforted by our amicable split which allows us to still help and support each other, my family (who really stepped up to the plate for me) and my friends who have always been amazing at cheering me up.

It's been occasionally stressful because our lives are so very intertwined (which was so easy to do) that it is hard to separate them again. We own so much jointly, we have joint money, joint bills, joint possessions.

Again, I felt overwhelmed by the idea of packing and moving again because I am so very sick of doing that and I thought that this would be my home for many years to come. Plus, this was my home and I put a lot of work and thought into it, too. It's hard to lose that. (Conversely, I think it would be hard for me to stay here because everything reminds me of Isaac).

I am getting better. I know that, one day, I will be OK. That helps. It feels like way too much right now, and I am still so emotional, hurt, angry, stressed, et cetera that sometimes it is hard to remember that. But my appetite has already started to come back a little and I am sleeping a bit better. My crying sessions (of which there are many, about things as trivial as towels to things as big as finding a new place to live) are becoming fewer and farther between (generally). That's also a relief. Even after the first day, I was tired of crying and hurting. It is nice to have a little relief from that, even if I am still a little bit of a mess. But I will survive this and one day I will be OK again.

A Side Note

I just felt compelled to spill some of my feelings.

I realize that I am very stressed right now, and almost all of it is related to school work, so I am sure that some of what I am feeling reflects this, too.

However, I can't ignore the fact that we are coming up on a date that affected me greatly: almost a year ago, Isaac broke up with me. I suppose I can't help but feel a little paranoid about it sometimes. I don't remember if I wrote about it, but after we got back together and decided to work through things, I almost had a panic attack when I was moving my stuff back into his? our? bedroom. I had to leave the condo for a few hours and just get away from it all.

It's scary to know that I have deal breakers. By which I mean there are things I do or don't do that bother people (or Isaac) enough to break up with me. It's even more scary to know that, while somethings Isaac says or does annoy me, none of them are deal breakers for me. That's a pretty shaky position to be in. Isaac has been very good about trying to help me and not make me feel so insecure about my (in my opinion) rather precarious position in our relationship. I suppose it's because this makes me feel that, if (hopefully not "when") our relationship comes to an end, it will be by his terms, not mine. That's a pretty heavy realization. Isaac is good about letting me talk these things over with him and he does reassure me. And I really am trying to make improvements in my own life (with very mixed and inconsistent results).

I guess it boils down to the fact that, despite everything, I love him. And since I know that I can be OK by myself, I will be happy with the time that I get to be with him. I, personally, hope that it will be a long time. If it ends up not working out, I will be sad. But I won't regret the time I've been with him, because I've been happy. I still am happy. Anniversaries like this (if you can call it that... what is a word for this that has a more negative connotation? "Anniversary" sounds too positive) just tend to make me feel extra sensitive and vulnerable. That's why I felt compelled to share.

I hope this doesn't make anyone feel concerned. These are just thoughts that float around in my head. I really am doing alright, just feeling a little sensitive. But I am happy. Isaac is a good guy and a good person. I am finishing up a program that I love (even with all of the insane amounts of stress). I have lots of good friends and family. Life feels pretty good, right now. The tenderness that I am feeling will pass.

"So let your heart hold fast, for this soon shall pass." -Fort Atlantic "Let Your Heart Hold Fast"

Everything I Need to Know About Life...

I learned from Secondhand Lions.

 
This movie is one of my all-time favorites for sure. And I always like it around Thanksgiving and the holidays, for some reason. I guess because it is hopeful and about family and belonging. Lots of good quotes (and we know how much I love good quotes!) and pieces of advice that I love. Plus, the movie is funny! Icing on the cake.

Lesson #1: Tough love has it's place. "Damn it kid, it ain't our fault you got a lousy damn mother." As long as there is some softer love to balance it out.

Lesson #2: Give people a chance; you may be pleasantly surprised. "Why not see what's he's selling?" "What the hell for?" "What's the good of having all that money if you're never gonna spend it?" "Could be the kid has a point." "Well, we'll see what the man's selling. Then we shoot him."

Lesson #3: Getting old in body and getting old in mind are different things, and the second is not necessarily caused by aging. "A man's body may grow old, but inside his spirit can still be as young and restless as ever."

Lesson #4: Live life to its fullest. "Just as we arrived in France, so did the Kaiser and the entire German Army. I wanted to go home, but Hub said we should tour Europe one step ahead of the Germans. And we did. What a time that was."
"They went out with their boots on."

Lesson #5: Be fair when you can be. "It's defective." "It's alive, that's the main thing." "Go ahead and shoot it then." "No, it wouldn't be sporting, shooting it inside a crate."

Lesson #6: True love is real. And always worth fighting for. "Many people say there's no such thing nowadays, it's something you only find in stories, but when these two set eyes on each other for the first time, this was honest to God, no kidding, sure enough, once in a lifetime, love at first sight." (My favorite quote from the movie.)

Lesson #7: Manhood is not proven by being an ass. "Here's a perfect example of what I've been talking about. Since this boy was suckling on his momma's tit, he's been given everything but discipline. And now his idea of courage and manhood is to get together with a bunch of punk friends and ride around irritating folks too good natured to put a stop to it."
"Now boys, you're fixing to let those teenage hormones get you into a world of trouble."

Lesson #8: Be who you are and be proud. "Who do you think you are, huh?" "I'm Hub McCann. I fought in two world wars and countless smaller ones on three continents. I led thousands of men into battle with everything from horses and swords to artillery and tanks. I've seen the headwaters of the Nile, and tribes of natives no white man had ever seen before. I've won and lost a dozen fortunes, killed many men, and loved only one woman with a passion a flea like you could never begin to understand. That's who I am."

Lesson #9: There is always a way to rid yourself of unwelcome people, even unpleasant family members. "We're leaving. And we are not coming back until you get rid of that monster." "Well, the lion stays."

Lesson #10: Give second chances. "Twice I have held your life in my hands, and twice I have given it back to you. The next time, your life is mine."

Lesson #11: Believe in what you want to believe in. "Sometimes the things that may or may not be true are the things that a man needs to believe in the most. That people are basically good; that honor, courage and virtue mean everything; that power and money, money and power mean nothing; that good always triumphs over evil; ... that love, true love, never dies. ... Doesn't matter if it's true or not. You see, a man should believe in those things because those are the things worth believing in."
This is a segment that I hold close to my heart. One of my favorite quotes (which I want a tattoo of) is from a song called Truth from Revolutionary Girl Utena (listen to it here). The line is "Shinjite-iru no, shinjitai kara," meaning (roughly) "I will believe because I want to believe."

Lesson #12: Be there for your loved ones. "You're my uncle. I need you to stick around and be my uncle. What about Uncle Garth? He needs you. What about the dogs and the pig and the lion? We all need you. I need you. ... And I know you miss Jasmine an awful, awful lot, but if you go, we'll miss you just as much."

I hope you enjoyed this random post full of quotes from one of my favorite movies. If you haven't watched Secondhand Lions, you need to!