Monday, April 14, 2014

A Side Note

I just felt compelled to spill some of my feelings.

I realize that I am very stressed right now, and almost all of it is related to school work, so I am sure that some of what I am feeling reflects this, too.

However, I can't ignore the fact that we are coming up on a date that affected me greatly: almost a year ago, Isaac broke up with me. I suppose I can't help but feel a little paranoid about it sometimes. I don't remember if I wrote about it, but after we got back together and decided to work through things, I almost had a panic attack when I was moving my stuff back into his? our? bedroom. I had to leave the condo for a few hours and just get away from it all.

It's scary to know that I have deal breakers. By which I mean there are things I do or don't do that bother people (or Isaac) enough to break up with me. It's even more scary to know that, while somethings Isaac says or does annoy me, none of them are deal breakers for me. That's a pretty shaky position to be in. Isaac has been very good about trying to help me and not make me feel so insecure about my (in my opinion) rather precarious position in our relationship. I suppose it's because this makes me feel that, if (hopefully not "when") our relationship comes to an end, it will be by his terms, not mine. That's a pretty heavy realization. Isaac is good about letting me talk these things over with him and he does reassure me. And I really am trying to make improvements in my own life (with very mixed and inconsistent results).

I guess it boils down to the fact that, despite everything, I love him. And since I know that I can be OK by myself, I will be happy with the time that I get to be with him. I, personally, hope that it will be a long time. If it ends up not working out, I will be sad. But I won't regret the time I've been with him, because I've been happy. I still am happy. Anniversaries like this (if you can call it that... what is a word for this that has a more negative connotation? "Anniversary" sounds too positive) just tend to make me feel extra sensitive and vulnerable. That's why I felt compelled to share.

I hope this doesn't make anyone feel concerned. These are just thoughts that float around in my head. I really am doing alright, just feeling a little sensitive. But I am happy. Isaac is a good guy and a good person. I am finishing up a program that I love (even with all of the insane amounts of stress). I have lots of good friends and family. Life feels pretty good, right now. The tenderness that I am feeling will pass.

"So let your heart hold fast, for this soon shall pass." -Fort Atlantic "Let Your Heart Hold Fast"

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