The Sad Days

I'm still having a lot of sad days. I was doing really well for a while, but seem to have relapsed in the last couple of months. I think my heart is still really broken. And I thought I was doing better, but I'm starting to feel that this is not true.

Some of my friends have probably noticed that I am struggling. There have been so many days when I should be sleeping, but I can stop crying long enough to fall asleep. Some days I get to work early with the intention of reading my book, and dissolve into tears for 20 minutes instead, until I can distract myself away from the pit. And some days the pain is so great that I've had to reach out for help. And luckily for me, several of my friends reach back and text or message me to help me step out of the quicksand.

I usually try to stay quiet about my pain and tears. And, to be honest, I'm a bit embarrassed that I'm still hung up on it all. And eventually my feelings seem to dissolve into self pity and self hate, which makes me feel even more embarrassed. No body needs to see that.

I so badly want to be better. I want to move on. And I want to find someone new to love. The problem is that I loved my ex so much, so completely, and with all that I am. It's terrifying (and a little amazing, actually) to love someone so much. It wasn't perfect, but on the whole, I was so happy and I had decided that he was all I wanted in a partner.

I know this sounds corny, but sometimes I really did feel like maybe he was my soul mate, my one true love. I desperately hope that I am wrong. Because it is terrible to feel that way about someone who doesn't love you and didn't love you nearly as much as you loved them. Someone you could never be enough for. And I'm smart enough to never go back to that. I think that put me in a bad and vulnerable position. But knowing that doesn't help me pick up the pieces any faster or more efficiently.

Being with him was so easy and it felt so right. And I can't imagine feeling that way again. I've gone on a couple of dates and even though I really liked one guy, there were no deeper feelings to be had. And I have felt very awkward around them and it has not been easy and natural like I think it should be. Maybe there isn't anyone else like that for me, and I've had my time. I can't even picture finding that again. I don't know what it looks like. Anyway, it's a moot point, I think. I'm not going to be actively looking for anyone for a while. Maybe I just need more time to heal. The gal who has been doing my hair rainbow reminds me a little of myself. She was very in love with a guy. They were together for four years and I asked her how long it had been since they broke up. "Four years." And that stuck with me, for some reason. I think it inspired me a little. She really gave it time to be mourned and to move on, and maybe I am trying to rush my healing too much in my desperate attempts to normalize my life again. On the other hand, I also don't want to be feeling this way forever (which is already how it feels at this point).

Sorry for the downer. I'm just having a really hard time right now. It helps to get it all out in writing, even if no one reads it. If you are reading this, thank you and thank you for caring enough to read my sob story. I promise I don't feel hopeless and sad all of the time. And some days are even good days. Right now, though, I'm still really low on spoons. (Yes spoons, see On Just Being OK if you missed the reference.)

July Wrap Up

Ok, as usual, book updates first. I'm a bit behind on my reading challenges. I have 20 left to do of my 50 books challenge, which is fine. But I have only read 39 toward my goal of 75 books for the year. According to Goodreads, I am four books behind schedule. In my defense, I have been reading one book since May, but it is not very good, but I am more than halfway through, so I am struggling to finish it anyway. Ugh. I may need to drop it and move on. Anyhow...

Books read this month:

• Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander (aka J.K. Rowling). Fun and silly.
• The Black Death: The World's Most Devastating Plague by The Great Courses/Dorsey Armstrong. Super interesting and exciting if you love the plague like I do.
• The Ghost and Mrs. Muir by Josephine Leslie (aka R.A. Dick). An old favorite of mine.
• Wild Born by Brandon Mull. Fun story about people who have spirit animals and magic.
• The Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard. Interesting, vaguely dystopian story.

Challenges completed this month:

• A book under 100 pages: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
• A history book: The Black Death
• A book turned into a movie: The Ghost and Mrs. Muir
• A book that takes place in another world: Wild Born
• A book with a lot of hype: The Red Queen

Favorite book read this month:

The Black Death or The Ghost and Mrs. Muir

Least favorite book read this month:

I guess Wild Born, not because it was bad, but just because I enjoyed the other books more.

I participated in an interesting book exchange this month. It was informal via Facebook and I saw that one of my high school teachers had posted it. The deal is that anyone who liked her status received a message with details. What happens is that the people who like your status send books two people back. So I didn't send a book to my teacher, but to her friend whose status my teacher liked. Then I posted the message in my status and people who liked my status (hopefully) sent a book to my teacher and so on and so forth. So I sent a copy of The Eyre Affair to my teacher's friend, who is an English teacher, so I hope she will like it. Anyway, that is a very convoluted story, but I received a couple of books which I was very excited about:

Here is my book haul for the month. I was bad and replaced my paperback copies of the Raven Cycle with hardback copies with signed bookplates to match my beautiful copy of the Raven King (which is not a new purchase, but I wanted to showcase here. Because these books and the artwork (by the author, mind you) are SOOOOO pretty!

I may have bought a few too many books this month. And this doesn't include my audiobook purchases. Oops... Oh well.

Otherwise, not much has been going on. I'm still dancing (and trying to get into better shape so that I can actually do my routine in October). I am still going on dates with the guy I've been seeing. We've done a few fun things, including a Dinner Detective Mystery Theater dinner, which was very entertaining. Here is the link if anyone is interested: The Dinner Detective. It was fun and interactive (which almost deterred me. And since my hair is rainbow colored, I drew attention and I did have to participate in front of everyone. Which I wasn't wild about, but it was still enjoyable). We also did an escape room. I had no idea what to expect, but that was actually very fun and I would definitely do it again. Here is the link to the place we went: Denver Escape Room.

The first part of this month was very rough for me. I am happy to say that I have officially made it through one year since the break up. While I felt that it destroyed me (and still does, sometimes), and my heart is sometimes still broken, I am proud that I have made it. And it sucked and it was hard and I never want to do it again. But it keeps getting easier and I know that I can make it. They say the first year is the hardest and I am glad that that is now behind me.

June Wrap Up

As usual, book reviews can be found on my book blog, if you are interested.

Alright, books read this month:

Flawed by Cecelia Ahern. The first installment of a young adult dystopian series.

Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde. Awesome and funny sequel to The Eyre Affair.
Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell by Susanna Clarke. A calssically-written story about restoring magic to England.

Challenges completed:

A book you recently bought: Flawed

A book that made you laugh: Lost in a Good Book
A book over 700 pages: Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell

Favorite book read this month:
Lost in a Good Book

Least favorite book read this month:
Flawed

And my book haul for the month:

My copy of The Scorpio Races is signed by Maggie Stiefvater! So extra exciting.

And I feel like I need to defend myself for owning another book by Sarah J. Maas... I read (and seriously disliked) Throne of Glass. I hear that her books get better, but I was very skeptical and unwilling to read more to find out. Well, this copy came in a book box I subscribe to (The Best Damn Book Box) for last month's Beauty and the Beast themed box. So... there it is. I'm not sure if I will read it or not. It is very pretty. And maybe I can read it without reading any of the others? We will see. I don't have high hopes really.

I also bought a set of tarot cards that came with a book all made/written by Maggie Stiefvater, which is absolutely amazing! They are so pretty! I'm not sure if that counts in my book haul...

Anyway, I will leave it at that for this month.

Oh! And I dyed my hair rainbow colors! Which has been super fun and I am really enjoying it!