Dealing With Loneliness

Lately, I have been struggling with loneliness.

I felt that I had actually been doing OK up until about Wednesday. Wednesday was my night off and I decided to go out for some coffee. By myself, which is not so unusual. But it suddenly hit me that I am nearly always alone.

I am a person who likes my alone time, which has helped me during the break up. But I don't like being alone all the time. I went out, realizing that I was going out alone. Again. And for some reason, I couldn't shake it. (It was also a bit on the late side for most of my friends on a weekday).

I no longer have a standing dinner date, lunch date, coffee date, drink date. My friends all are very busy people and I haven't seen them often lately, which I know doesn't help my mood and mentality.

A couple of nights later, it seemed like everyone I had contact with (that being my mom and my coworkers mostly) had a date night this weekend or a fun get together planned. And I was so heartbroken that I don't have anyone to plan a date with. No one will grab lunch with me or make dinner for me, just to be nice. And I felt so left out. I go out and it's always dinner for one. Just one beer, please.

I don't have anyone to tell the details about my day, like I used to. And I have been sick and mopey because there isn't anyone who wants to help take care of me. Maybe that's selfish. It's just hard because I used to have that.

No one to talk to when I get home, to cuddle up and watch a movie with. I miss being hugged and held and I miss feeling that kind of love.

So I suppose that "dealing" with loneliness is misleading, since I don't seem to be dealing well at all. And as always, when I am feeling upset, I have dreams about my ex and about the break up which always make things worse.

I also got un-invited to a Super Bowl gathering because I'm sick. I get it, but that was disheartening. I felt too sick and tired to deal with a large crowd, so I didn't end up going anywhere else, either.

I guess I've just been so down and sad these last several days. I seriously hope that it will pass soon. I still hate the sad days the most. I will be attempting to drown my sorrows in my books if anyone needs me.

A Series of Firsts

I ran into an old coworker the other day and she asked about my ex and I had to tell her that we were no longer together. She was astounded, but shared with me a bit of wisedom.

She said that losing her mom was the hardest thing she had gone through and that it took a full year to start getting over it. Because she had to go through all the firsts. There was the first Christmas without her mother, the first time she didn't get a birthday card from her mom, and so on.

She told me that the firsts are the hardest. But once you make it through the firsts, it gets better.

This will be my first Thanksgiving, Hannukah, birthday, Christmas, New Years since the break up. And I've been pretty torn up about it. I don't even want to celebrate with my family because it's the first time I won't have my ex with me (we had been together over nine years, it's hard to remember before that, so give me a break, yeah?).

Even worse than that, I can't stand to be surrounded by happy couples. I'm still a shitty friend who is jealous of her friends' happiness. Not that I don't want them to have that, and I am happy for them, but I am also too full of sadness for me. So I try to be happy for them while I am away from them.

But this is the first holiday season that I've been single in so long, after having had so much love and happiness and losing that. And the first is the hardest, right?

I hope you will all forgive me if I am distant this holiday season. Sometimes it's just better for the people around me and easier for me if I am by myself.

Dreams

A positive sounding title for a post that's not entirely positive.

Often when I go through difficult or stressful times in my life, my dreams start to reflect that. I know this is my brain trying to work through everything, but sometimes they are uncanny. Lately, I feel as though I am just going through the motions of living without actually feeling or experiencing much of it. Working nights doesn't help. So I think it's a good thing that my dreams show that my brain is working on my problems while I am sleeping.

Isaac and I were together for so long that it was very common for him to appear in my dreams. He was rarely the focus, but usually he was there, by my side, someone to count on. Since the breakup, I have had a couple of these, but not many.

The dreams I've remembered most vividly are the angry dreams where I am yelling at him for ruining my life (and one odd old-time-y dream where I was yelling at him for ruining my "virtue." Lord only knows where that treasure came from). Only one dream featured us getting back together, though I was still going to move out, interestingly enough. 

Some dreams centered around our division of our joint stuff, which we haven't really discussed, but is a sore and stressful point for me.

And then the other night, I had a different dream. I was driving somewhere with a younger Scott McNeil look alike (obviously triggered by dug up memories from the recent announcement that he'd be at this year's NDK). There is a rather large age gap between us, though it wasn't as big in my dream. I wouldn't label him as being particularly attractive and I know very little about him, but I think my dream was just looking for a filler. Someone else, maybe someone unknown, to fill the gap.

In this dream, we were driving and we kept in physical contact while he drove, holding hands and at one point I think I was laying down with my legs across his lap. Safe driving habits, I know. I was wearing the fuzzy purple slippers my mom made me, which I love. Even in my dream, I took that as a sign that I felt very comfortable with this guy.

The relationship was still fairly new in my dream. But he took me to dinner and coffee and told me later in the car how much I meant to him. Then we had casual and amusing conversation as we drove. In my dream, this guy was so easy going, honest, open, and comfortable. And it was obvious that he thought I was pretty great. And then my mom's stupid cat woke me up.

Why did I share this dream? Because it was the first one that was different. When I woke up, I wasn't sad or angry (except at the cat). And most importantly: it gave me hope.

After this break up, I felt like I would never want to work so hard for or pour so much of myself into another relationship ever. And, to be honest, I felt that I wouldn't ever find someone else anyway. I know, I know. I hate it when my girlfriends say things like that because I see so much good and beauty in them-who wouldn't want to be with them? I tried to tell myself this, too, but all I could see in myself was my faults, insecurities, and recently acquired jaded outlook (that even if I found someone, I could never leave myself so vulnerable as to take the leap again).

It was nice to dream about a budding romance for myself. Something so light and easy and wonderful seemed so nice. And it made me happy. Maybe, one day, I will find that again. But for now, I think it's enough to know that I will be OK and that there are other possibilities out there. Logically, I knew these things already. But it is different to feel that these things are possible. It made a difference. And it was a very nice break from feeling the way I've been feeling lately.