Monday, August 24, 2015


A positive sounding title for a post that's not entirely positive.

Often when I go through difficult or stressful times in my life, my dreams start to reflect that. I know this is my brain trying to work through everything, but sometimes they are uncanny. Lately, I feel as though I am just going through the motions of living without actually feeling or experiencing much of it. Working nights doesn't help. So I think it's a good thing that my dreams show that my brain is working on my problems while I am sleeping.

Isaac and I were together for so long that it was very common for him to appear in my dreams. He was rarely the focus, but usually he was there, by my side, someone to count on. Since the breakup, I have had a couple of these, but not many.

The dreams I've remembered most vividly are the angry dreams where I am yelling at him for ruining my life (and one odd old-time-y dream where I was yelling at him for ruining my "virtue." Lord only knows where that treasure came from). Only one dream featured us getting back together, though I was still going to move out, interestingly enough. 

Some dreams centered around our division of our joint stuff, which we haven't really discussed, but is a sore and stressful point for me.

And then the other night, I had a different dream. I was driving somewhere with a younger Scott McNeil look alike (obviously triggered by dug up memories from the recent announcement that he'd be at this year's NDK). There is a rather large age gap between us, though it wasn't as big in my dream. I wouldn't label him as being particularly attractive and I know very little about him, but I think my dream was just looking for a filler. Someone else, maybe someone unknown, to fill the gap.

In this dream, we were driving and we kept in physical contact while he drove, holding hands and at one point I think I was laying down with my legs across his lap. Safe driving habits, I know. I was wearing the fuzzy purple slippers my mom made me, which I love. Even in my dream, I took that as a sign that I felt very comfortable with this guy.

The relationship was still fairly new in my dream. But he took me to dinner and coffee and told me later in the car how much I meant to him. Then we had casual and amusing conversation as we drove. In my dream, this guy was so easy going, honest, open, and comfortable. And it was obvious that he thought I was pretty great. And then my mom's stupid cat woke me up.

Why did I share this dream? Because it was the first one that was different. When I woke up, I wasn't sad or angry (except at the cat). And most importantly: it gave me hope.

After this break up, I felt like I would never want to work so hard for or pour so much of myself into another relationship ever. And, to be honest, I felt that I wouldn't ever find someone else anyway. I know, I know. I hate it when my girlfriends say things like that because I see so much good and beauty in them-who wouldn't want to be with them? I tried to tell myself this, too, but all I could see in myself was my faults, insecurities, and recently acquired jaded outlook (that even if I found someone, I could never leave myself so vulnerable as to take the leap again).

It was nice to dream about a budding romance for myself. Something so light and easy and wonderful seemed so nice. And it made me happy. Maybe, one day, I will find that again. But for now, I think it's enough to know that I will be OK and that there are other possibilities out there. Logically, I knew these things already. But it is different to feel that these things are possible. It made a difference. And it was a very nice break from feeling the way I've been feeling lately.

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