For those of you who hang out on Facebook and twitter, you have probably seen the results of the "Me too" movement.
If you haven't, here is a brief description: women (and others) are posting a "Me too" or #MeToo if they have personally been a victim of sexual harassment or sexual assault. Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, its a good time to do it. The number of the "me too" statements is a bit alarming. Which is the point. The hope is that by letting people know how many of us have been victims, we can raise awareness and maybe people will try to change things.
I hesitated, but eventually decided to participate.
And soooo many of my friends shared, too. Some simply wrote "me too" or copied the message that most people shared. And a couple of my friends shared pieces of their past or whole stories. Which inspired me to write this. The worst thing about this is that I know that some of my friends did not participate, but I am aware that they share the same experiences.
If most women are like me, this is not a one-time experience. I have had my body commented on several times while I was working. Two of the worst were from regular coffee shop customers who specifically felt the need to comment on my butt. I have never felt so vulnerable and analyzed before. I'm at work, I am not displaying my body, and I am certainly not inviting comments. All of those times were very deer-in-the-headlights moments for me. What do you do? What do you say? In all of those instances, these men were taking advantage of the fact that I am in my place of employment. I'm not really supposed to do or say anything aggressive. I don't want to smile because I don't want to encourage them. There are lots of people nearby and I don't want to cause a scene and draw attention. And I'm embarrassed. And I can't speak because now I know that while I have been working, completely oblivious, these men have been staring at my ass. Suddenly, my work place doesn't feel so safe and I feel that I can't do anything.
If those comments had been made in my hearing to another of my coworkers, I would have put my foot down then and there. I am great at standing up for other people, but I am terrible at standing up for myself. But usually these kinds of men are good at isolating you enough to make their comments unheard by others, but not isolating you enough that you feel you can stand up to them.
A couple times I have been lucky enough to have someone else nearby (always another man) who called the person out and stood up for me. Those are the moments that give me hope that things can change.
My worst experience happened over the course of a year or so. I was 9. Let me say that again I was 9 fucking years old. I had a friend who I was very close to and I spent a ton of time at her house. Her older brother (who was 15-16 at the time) continuously molested me, mostly by grabbing my butt (I'm starting to sense a theme here...).
I was young and I was confused and I did not understand what was going on. But I also felt ashamed and embarrassed and I never told anyone (and then I actually repressed the memories to be dug up in my senior year of high school. Fun times). All I knew was that I didn't like it. I tried telling him "No," and "Don't." And I literally used to press my back against the wall sometimes if I encountered him in the hallway. And he would laugh at me. And sometimes he would ignore me, so I never knew what to expect.
This had a trickle down affect in my life and I never liked guys/men to touch me (though I didn't know why for a long time). I once caused a scene in a chemistry class when a male classmate came up behind me and grabbed my shoulder and said something (that I couldn't comprehend in my panic) and one time I freaked out and yelled at my dad. Poor Daddy never said anything or asked about it and it certainly wasn't anything he had done wrong.
The worst thing about this? My story is a far cry from the worst ones out there. So many women (and homosexuals, transgenders, gender fluid people, et cetera) face much worse than I have. I came out (mostly) whole on the other side. I still panic when strange men enter my space, especially if I feel trapped. It has made romantic relationships more difficult. And I get sad for 9-year-old-me, dealing with things that were so far over her head. But overall, I am OK with the way I am. There are women and people out there who can't recover from their experiences. They will be forever haunted. And that is why things need to change. And why we need to show solidarity and have men decide that they will stand with us and help provide safe spaces with us.
I decided to share because I think its time to stop hiding. The worst of my stories happened a long time ago and I can disconnect from it. But hiding this won't help and won't solve anything.
Thank you to all of my amazing, brave friends who have shared their stories. I know its a hard thing to do and I think you are wonderful for sharing and helping to raise awareness. It's time for us to stop being embarrassed and haunted.
And to all of my friends who have had these experiences, even the ones who are not ready to share, you are so strong.
This is a safe space if anyone would like to share your story. Or if you just want to share a "Me too." We are stronger together.
For more information, there are websites and other blogs you can check out. Here is a site that I have looked at in the past: No More and another I found in the course of reading peoples' stories and writing this: End Sexual Violence. If anyone has other good resources, please, please share them.
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feminism. Show all posts
Monday, October 16, 2017
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Why Feminism? Concerning Marriage and Children
So my boyfriend and I had a weird debate about feminism over the weekend that got me pretty upset and angry. Not because of my boyfriend, just in general. And Isaac doesn't understand my anger. In his defense, anger is probably not the best emotion for me to feel when it comes to feminism, but it often is.
Let me clarify: yes, I am a feminist and a great supporter of feminism. My main focus is usually trying to become aware of the ways women are discriminated against and sharing that knowledge. In my opinion, nothing will change unless we realize what is happening and take steps to correct it. It can be hard though, even for myself. There is so much that in ingrained in us, socially, that we sometimes have a hard time catching the parts that are bad. Especially when it comes to language and expectations.
I also should tell you that Isaac considers himself a feminist, too. However, I think that his view and support is very different from mine. He likes that women can be strong and independent and make their own way. But he has a hard time understanding the barriers that we face, I think, and how even the strongest women (or people for that matter) can waver in doubt when no one will support them. Being a male who supports equality for women, though, makes him a pretty great guy though, right? I think so!
This is just going to be a portion of a much larger topic that I am passionate about. I could go on forever about feminism and why it is important. Really. I will leave some parts for other posts. I am expecting to do a little series over time titled "Why Feminism?" with individual subtitles.
This weekend, I think I surprised Isaac with the knowledge of having been judged many, many times by whether or not I a) have a successful relationship that will end up with me being married and b) want kids. This usually comes from a slightly older generation, not normally my own, though I have received judgement from my peers as well.
As a woman who has always valued her independence, education, and ability, who works hard in the work place and in school, and who is motivated to constantly better herself and her environment, I find it very insulting to have my entire person degraded into whether or not I have a successful relationship and whether or not I want kids. Let's break this down a little.
Marriage:
When I meet new people, unless Isaac is with me, I actually refrain from mentioning ANYTHING about having a significant other. Once waters have been tested and I feel like my worth as a human being has already been established, I have no trouble bringing him up. The thing that is sad about this is that Isaac is an important part of my life and I should want to share that. Sadly, I have encountered so many people who pry into that part of my life as a way to determine my worth that I feel like I almost have to hide it if I want people to see other aspects of myself.
That is why this usually comes from an older generation, I think. Women are supposed to settle down, right? They have to "catch" a man! (I don't know if we should start on language in this post, but I absolutely HATE that term--In Tamora Pierce's book, Shatterglass, her character, Tris, says, “If I have to 'catch' a man to get a husband, I don't want one.” Amen, sister!) Admittedly, in the past, a woman's worth has, sadly, been linked to the worth of the men in their lives, namely her father and husband. Sometimes, it is difficult to break through this mold. When talking about Isaac and how long we've been together, I have had many people ask if we were getting married. Worse, I have had people I hardly know trying to make sure we were headed that direction. In one case, I even had someone my age assure me that we would get married. Most of these people didn't care about my personal merits at all.
In fact, I never wanted to get married. Even if I met someone who could be a potential life partner (and let's be honest, I wouldn't date someone if they weren't a potential life partner because I was never interested enough in having a boyfriend to just date for the sake of it) I wasn't ever planning to marry. To be honest, I was pretty sure that I could NOT have a successful relationship. Isaac came along and proved me wrong (though I still have things that I need to work on). It turns out, that I would like to marry Isaac, but not because I want to get married. Isaac is the factor here, not marriage. If I weren't with Isaac, whom I love and would like to share my life with, I probably would still be planning not to marry. There goes my worth as a woman, right? Never mind my education or my ambitions and my dream jobs--those give me little to no credibility to some people. Which makes me sad because I have worked hard to get where I am. Women are judged all the time by whether or not they are married or have steady boyfriends. It provides a pressure to women to conform to social standards and you earn the scorn of others if you don't fit in.
And you know what else is sad? That people judging me for not being married ("You've been together seven years?! When are you getting married?") makes me feel rebellious and stubborn to the point of not wanting to get married ever. Which is probably a bad reaction. You should never let people take from you what it is you want out of life. I just hate that this is what defines me. I can't even count the suspicious and occasionally pitying looks and replies I've gotten when I brush off the question, "Oh, I don't know, maybe some day." I even have a couple of customers at Starbucks who ask me nearly every time I see them when I am getting married. It makes me want to scream. Don't you want to know when I will complete my Masters? Don't you want to know what jobs I have my eye on? Do you care if I want my Doctorate? (To be fair, I also have customers regularly ask about my studies. I guess I get some balance at least.) But, no, some people only care about me getting married, or at least making sure that I can maintain a successful relationship that will end in marriage.
Children:
Oh my. So I like kids, but kids usually scare me. Especially babies. The only baby that I really know and love is my niece, and I am still not sure what to do with her. At least now she's getting older so I feel like I can handle her a little better. Part of me has always wanted kids and another part of me does not want those terrifying creatures running around (I'm told I won't see it that way if they are mine. A mother's love and all that).
If I tell people that I'm not sure I want kids, I usually get that condescending "you-don't-know-any-better-yet" look. You know that look, right? Or, I am told, "You'll feel differently when you're older." Damn that biological clock. By the way, biological clock or no, I wouldn't let that get in the way if I decided one day that I absolutely don't want children. And for those of you who think all women need to settle down and have kids: there is usually a good reason if someone doesn't want kids. Don't just assume that they are selfish or stupid.
And what, exactly, is wrong about not wanting children, may I ask? Seriously? What do you even care? Why is it required for me to want kids? Oh, wait, it's because I am a woman, and good women want kids, right? You thought this was a thing of the past, you are wrong. I encounter this enough to know that people will still judge you by your desire to have kids.
At every wedding I have been to, and I have been to many, the couple is asked repeatedly when they are going to have kids. Not "if," but "when." (My mom's second marriage is the exception to this--she already has great kids *ahem*). Yet another reason to dislike the idea of marriage. If I marry Isaac, I am going to have to prepare myself to deal with this, which is sad. Just because two people marry, they have to have kids, I guess.
So instead of my worth as a person being an accumulation of what I am and my accomplishments (personal and professional), I have often been pegged down by my relationship success and desire to have children. I think that I am much more than that.
Side note: I do not mean for any of this to reflect badly on the women who DO want marriage and kids. For some women, that is their dream. And good for them! What I am trying to say is that we need to be more open minded and not try to fit all women into the same box. Not all of us fit in there, you know.
The Flip Side: The Men's Side of Marriage and Children
I actually think that there are a lot of men who are subject to the same pressures that women are. I bet that many men are expected to get married and have kids. It is the social norm, after all. But based on what I see, hear, and read, I am going to say that it is not the same.
People expect men to be independent and self-sufficient. So if a man doesn't marry, it's more acceptable. Society tends to focus more on a man's job and money (which isn't fair, either) than his marital status.
Also, for men, jokes are always made about marriage. It is something that "ties you down" ("The old ball-and-chain") which I think is drastically unfair. You've seen the t-shirts and heard the jokes. "Game Over," and so on. Besides feeling sad that men feel the need to say these things, women rarely receive such sentiments. Because it's always the woman who wants to get married. She caught a husband. And tricked him into marrying her. Or some other BS that I guess I don't really understand. I thought this was a two-way street, but it turns out it isn't. I suppose most of this is in jest, but I still find it distasteful and degrading. Or can we at least acknowledge that marriage is tying down to both parties? That man is the woman's ball and chain?
OK! I will try to reign in the sarcasm. I get sarcastic when I get angry. (And I get angry when I am upset; confused much?)
As a side note, if Isaac and I got married and he came home with one of those shirts, I would probably cry. Just so you know. As a woman in a relationship that is based on mutual love, I actually find the idea that I drag him down to be very heart-breaking, joke or no.
I am not sure how much men are pegged by their desire to have kids. I think for most men, it is expected that they marry and have a family. There are occasions where men don't want kids, though. Here I need some male input: are you judged for not wanting kids? I know in some cases, the "blame" (of not wanting kids) can be put on the woman. I think that is because, historically, this is the woman's sphere, not the man's. But I have encountered several men who don't want kids. Are you judged harshly for that?
Who has thoughts or experiences to share? What are some of the ways we can work to change these things?
Let me clarify: yes, I am a feminist and a great supporter of feminism. My main focus is usually trying to become aware of the ways women are discriminated against and sharing that knowledge. In my opinion, nothing will change unless we realize what is happening and take steps to correct it. It can be hard though, even for myself. There is so much that in ingrained in us, socially, that we sometimes have a hard time catching the parts that are bad. Especially when it comes to language and expectations.
I also should tell you that Isaac considers himself a feminist, too. However, I think that his view and support is very different from mine. He likes that women can be strong and independent and make their own way. But he has a hard time understanding the barriers that we face, I think, and how even the strongest women (or people for that matter) can waver in doubt when no one will support them. Being a male who supports equality for women, though, makes him a pretty great guy though, right? I think so!
This is just going to be a portion of a much larger topic that I am passionate about. I could go on forever about feminism and why it is important. Really. I will leave some parts for other posts. I am expecting to do a little series over time titled "Why Feminism?" with individual subtitles.
This weekend, I think I surprised Isaac with the knowledge of having been judged many, many times by whether or not I a) have a successful relationship that will end up with me being married and b) want kids. This usually comes from a slightly older generation, not normally my own, though I have received judgement from my peers as well.
As a woman who has always valued her independence, education, and ability, who works hard in the work place and in school, and who is motivated to constantly better herself and her environment, I find it very insulting to have my entire person degraded into whether or not I have a successful relationship and whether or not I want kids. Let's break this down a little.
Marriage:
When I meet new people, unless Isaac is with me, I actually refrain from mentioning ANYTHING about having a significant other. Once waters have been tested and I feel like my worth as a human being has already been established, I have no trouble bringing him up. The thing that is sad about this is that Isaac is an important part of my life and I should want to share that. Sadly, I have encountered so many people who pry into that part of my life as a way to determine my worth that I feel like I almost have to hide it if I want people to see other aspects of myself.
That is why this usually comes from an older generation, I think. Women are supposed to settle down, right? They have to "catch" a man! (I don't know if we should start on language in this post, but I absolutely HATE that term--In Tamora Pierce's book, Shatterglass, her character, Tris, says, “If I have to 'catch' a man to get a husband, I don't want one.” Amen, sister!) Admittedly, in the past, a woman's worth has, sadly, been linked to the worth of the men in their lives, namely her father and husband. Sometimes, it is difficult to break through this mold. When talking about Isaac and how long we've been together, I have had many people ask if we were getting married. Worse, I have had people I hardly know trying to make sure we were headed that direction. In one case, I even had someone my age assure me that we would get married. Most of these people didn't care about my personal merits at all.
In fact, I never wanted to get married. Even if I met someone who could be a potential life partner (and let's be honest, I wouldn't date someone if they weren't a potential life partner because I was never interested enough in having a boyfriend to just date for the sake of it) I wasn't ever planning to marry. To be honest, I was pretty sure that I could NOT have a successful relationship. Isaac came along and proved me wrong (though I still have things that I need to work on). It turns out, that I would like to marry Isaac, but not because I want to get married. Isaac is the factor here, not marriage. If I weren't with Isaac, whom I love and would like to share my life with, I probably would still be planning not to marry. There goes my worth as a woman, right? Never mind my education or my ambitions and my dream jobs--those give me little to no credibility to some people. Which makes me sad because I have worked hard to get where I am. Women are judged all the time by whether or not they are married or have steady boyfriends. It provides a pressure to women to conform to social standards and you earn the scorn of others if you don't fit in.
And you know what else is sad? That people judging me for not being married ("You've been together seven years?! When are you getting married?") makes me feel rebellious and stubborn to the point of not wanting to get married ever. Which is probably a bad reaction. You should never let people take from you what it is you want out of life. I just hate that this is what defines me. I can't even count the suspicious and occasionally pitying looks and replies I've gotten when I brush off the question, "Oh, I don't know, maybe some day." I even have a couple of customers at Starbucks who ask me nearly every time I see them when I am getting married. It makes me want to scream. Don't you want to know when I will complete my Masters? Don't you want to know what jobs I have my eye on? Do you care if I want my Doctorate? (To be fair, I also have customers regularly ask about my studies. I guess I get some balance at least.) But, no, some people only care about me getting married, or at least making sure that I can maintain a successful relationship that will end in marriage.
Children:
Oh my. So I like kids, but kids usually scare me. Especially babies. The only baby that I really know and love is my niece, and I am still not sure what to do with her. At least now she's getting older so I feel like I can handle her a little better. Part of me has always wanted kids and another part of me does not want those terrifying creatures running around (I'm told I won't see it that way if they are mine. A mother's love and all that).
If I tell people that I'm not sure I want kids, I usually get that condescending "you-don't-know-any-better-yet" look. You know that look, right? Or, I am told, "You'll feel differently when you're older." Damn that biological clock. By the way, biological clock or no, I wouldn't let that get in the way if I decided one day that I absolutely don't want children. And for those of you who think all women need to settle down and have kids: there is usually a good reason if someone doesn't want kids. Don't just assume that they are selfish or stupid.
And what, exactly, is wrong about not wanting children, may I ask? Seriously? What do you even care? Why is it required for me to want kids? Oh, wait, it's because I am a woman, and good women want kids, right? You thought this was a thing of the past, you are wrong. I encounter this enough to know that people will still judge you by your desire to have kids.
At every wedding I have been to, and I have been to many, the couple is asked repeatedly when they are going to have kids. Not "if," but "when." (My mom's second marriage is the exception to this--she already has great kids *ahem*). Yet another reason to dislike the idea of marriage. If I marry Isaac, I am going to have to prepare myself to deal with this, which is sad. Just because two people marry, they have to have kids, I guess.
So instead of my worth as a person being an accumulation of what I am and my accomplishments (personal and professional), I have often been pegged down by my relationship success and desire to have children. I think that I am much more than that.
Side note: I do not mean for any of this to reflect badly on the women who DO want marriage and kids. For some women, that is their dream. And good for them! What I am trying to say is that we need to be more open minded and not try to fit all women into the same box. Not all of us fit in there, you know.
 |
| Definition of discrimination according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary |
I actually think that there are a lot of men who are subject to the same pressures that women are. I bet that many men are expected to get married and have kids. It is the social norm, after all. But based on what I see, hear, and read, I am going to say that it is not the same.
People expect men to be independent and self-sufficient. So if a man doesn't marry, it's more acceptable. Society tends to focus more on a man's job and money (which isn't fair, either) than his marital status.
Also, for men, jokes are always made about marriage. It is something that "ties you down" ("The old ball-and-chain") which I think is drastically unfair. You've seen the t-shirts and heard the jokes. "Game Over," and so on. Besides feeling sad that men feel the need to say these things, women rarely receive such sentiments. Because it's always the woman who wants to get married. She caught a husband. And tricked him into marrying her. Or some other BS that I guess I don't really understand. I thought this was a two-way street, but it turns out it isn't. I suppose most of this is in jest, but I still find it distasteful and degrading. Or can we at least acknowledge that marriage is tying down to both parties? That man is the woman's ball and chain?
OK! I will try to reign in the sarcasm. I get sarcastic when I get angry. (And I get angry when I am upset; confused much?)
As a side note, if Isaac and I got married and he came home with one of those shirts, I would probably cry. Just so you know. As a woman in a relationship that is based on mutual love, I actually find the idea that I drag him down to be very heart-breaking, joke or no.
I am not sure how much men are pegged by their desire to have kids. I think for most men, it is expected that they marry and have a family. There are occasions where men don't want kids, though. Here I need some male input: are you judged for not wanting kids? I know in some cases, the "blame" (of not wanting kids) can be put on the woman. I think that is because, historically, this is the woman's sphere, not the man's. But I have encountered several men who don't want kids. Are you judged harshly for that?
Who has thoughts or experiences to share? What are some of the ways we can work to change these things?
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