An Ode to Bowie

I have spent the last couple of days listening to Blackstar and getting ready to release a blog post about the songs and my reflections.

And I don't have the heart to anymore.

For anyone who hasn't heard (and I imagine most people heard very quickly), David Bowie died early this morning, January 11th, 2016. Just 3 days after his 69th birthday and the release of his album. (I also read that it happened late on January 10, 2016. I guess the date doesn't matter so much though. Not to me, anyway.)

I am heartbroken. And it feels a little surreal. Part of me thought (and hoped) that he would just go on living forever.

This was a hard hit for me for so many reasons.

As a younger member of his fan base, I never got the chance to see him perform. And it was one of my very greatest wishes to do so. I promised myself that if he ever toured again, I would break the bank and do whatever I needed to do to make sure that I got a good ticket and (if possible) a back stage pass. I was willing to travel to do this. And I always said that if I could see him perform, even just once, and meet him (no matter how brief), that I could die happy. That's a pretty big deal to be letting go right now.

I discovered DB when I watched Labyrinth the first time. I must have been 12 or 13 at the time. Later, I rediscovered it and fell in love with the music performed by this weird man who was more popular than I thought he could ever be. I convinced my mom to buy the Labyrinth sound track followed by the first 3 DB albums I ever heard: Let's Dance, Young American, and Aladdin Sane. These sustained me for a year or so. Heathen came out or had recently been released during this time, and I remember my mom bringing that one home and I instantly fell in love with it. Then Reality was released. I still remember the day my mom picked me up from school with the CD playing to surprise me.

It was during the Reality tour that, in Germany, DB had a little heart attack which stopped his tour. After that, he did almost no more performing at all and didn't release another album for 10 years. By the time that Reality was released, I don't think I even had gotten my driver's license yet, so you can see why I've never had the opportunity to see him.

In general, I am not overly impressed with celebrities. And while I may be a fan or find some of them talented or attractive, I am never so in awe that I forget they are human. Except for DB. He inspired that awe in me. And to me, he was not human, but a god. He was my idol. The one that I admired and thought so much of that he was raised in status above a mere human.

And why is that?

Frankly, I don't know. My love of DB has never been something that I hid or felt shy about, but my level of devotion is also not shared by most people that I know, even among those who like him.

The connection that I feel with DB is something that has been very personal and a little strange. He is exactly the type of person I would usually dislike. I disapproved of most of his life and the choices he made. Despite the fact that he and I seem like polar opposites, I cannot help but love his music.

Another thing that people assume about my love for DB: that there is something sexual about it. While I will admit that he is and was always attractive, I feel that more objectively than personally. I think that he aged well and became handsome and that his looks were always unique and intriguing. But I think any implication of it being somehow sexual is creepy. Yes, I love DB, no, I never had any even remote desire to sleep with him. I imagine that feeling is not shared by all of his fanbase though.

His music meant so much to me. There is something about his songs that speak to me and draw me in and become so meaningful to me. It is a very personal connection that I feel with his songs and that can't really be shared with someone else. Sometimes I think that, when I listen to his songs in the company of others, that we are not even hearing the same song. His music strikes me on a different level, and I think his song writing was amazingly brilliant. How can someone so different from me who writes songs for himself and his personas speak directly to my soul? We are so different, but I think that he is (was) just that amazing.

I think that he was inspiring. He has always been such an advocate for being yourself and being an individual. I think striving to be yourself is always a worthwhile goal and that influenced me, too.

I suppose the worst part is knowing that this is it. There will never be another album, another song. I won't ever buy another brand new CD and pop it in and feel elated at hearing the familiar sound of his voice while relishing in the new sound of his music. That was the best thing about new songs. I always felt such a jolt of happiness hearing that voice. Something old and something new all at once. It was always a little bit magical for me. And I'm sad that I won't have that again. Blackstar was my last chance.

Anyway, this has hit me hard and I have been crying since the moment I read the second or third article (I couldn't believe the first). And my heart goes out to his family, who I have also fallen in love with.

I'm absolutely devastated. I feel like a part of me has been lost. Is that pathetic? I don't think I realized how tightly I had bound myself to DB until now.

Rest in peace, DB. Your loss will be felt so deeply.

"Never mind the stares. 'If I'm going to do something that could be provocative or artistically relevant, I have to be prepared to put myself in a place where I feel unsafe, not completely in control. I have no fear of failure whatsoever, because often out of that uncertainty something is salvaged, something that is worthwhile comes about. There is no progress without failure. And each failure is a lesson learned. Unnecessary failures are the ones where an artist tries to second guess an audience's taste, and little comes out of that situation except a kind of inward humiliation.'"~David Bowie

If anyone is interested, here are most of my DB posts from the past. The first one meant the most to me.
David Bowie and Me 
David Bowie's "The Next Day" 
David Bowie and Other Oddaments 
A David Bowie Birthday 
Random David Bowie Post 
There are others, but these were the more important ones.

David Bowie and Me

I didn't mean for the title to sound as though I've met him (though I'd give just about anything for that to happen). I decided to write this post after a few weeks of DB nonsense bumping around in my head.

I want to preface this by saying that I am usually a very level-headed person and never really idolize anyone or anything as much as I do David Bowie. 

I first discovered him while watching Labyrinth when I was about 13. I liked it, but this was an odd time in my life so I didn't give it a whole lot of thought.

One of my oldest friends referenced it several months later (which she had been doing for years and years, but I didn't know it) and I caught the reference and remembered that movie. My parents being the collectors that they are, had the movie. I promptly pulled it out and the rest is history! I watched that movie nearly everyday for a good portion of middle and high school. During this time, I became very interested in the Goblin King. This was my first introduction to David Bowie. My mom got a hold of some CDs for me and I listened to them nonstop (the first three were Let's Dance, Aladdin Sane, and Young American). Not long after that, Reality came out. I continued to collect albums, but even now, I don't have all of them.

In high school, the band, orchestra, and choir took a trip to New York. I was in Orlando with my family the week before, so my mom and I flew up separately from the rest of the students to meet them in New York City. Because we missed the bus ride to the hotel, we missed passing by David Bowie's house. I have always regretted that I could not be on that bus.

When I was about 17, I met a guy (my dance teacher's brother-in-law, actually) who met David Bowie. That's right, one degree of separation! I'm just a little proud of that. Anyway, we danced together one evening and he was telling me about DB. He said that DB could be a bit of a jerk in person because he never hears anything but how much people love him and his music. Understandably, he gets tired of that. He told me that the best way to approach DB in conversation was to talk about something else. He gave a few examples and told me what he talked about with DB (which I can't remember all theses years later), but I do remember deciding then and there that I wanted to ask DB if he had pets. As an animal lover, I am curious about such things and I have never come across the answer in my readings. Apparently interviewers aren't interested in whether or not he has pets.

Despite my being such a huge fan, I haven't seen many of DB's movies. I'm not sure why this is. Part of it is that most of the movies that he is in appeal to me very little (his presence aside). I did watch Arthur and the Invisibles, in which DB voices the bad guy. That one gave me dreams about DB for the first time ever. Because of this, I haven't watched the movie again because I'm afraid it won't work a second time! It was a pretty good one, though.

As I got older and read more about DB, I started to feel odd about him. He doesn't seem like the kind of person who would grab and hold me so strongly. Especially as a younger man, I would have hated him if I ever had a chance to meet him. I didn't approve of almost anything that he did or most of the choices he made. He and I are very drastically different people. I don't really understand why he appeals to me so strongly. Except, of course, that I love his music.

People have teased me for having a crush on DB. It may surprise you to know that this is not true. He is an attractive man and I think that he has aged well. But my physical attraction extends no further than that. Part of that is because he is the same age as my dad, and that's just creepy. Also, I am a fan of his wife, Iman, and I like that he has always tried to be such a good father. I wouldn't want to interfere with his personal life. I like his personal life the way it is. That sounds silly, but I like what I have read and seen concerning his family. There is absolutely no place for me there. Which is fine, I promise. I like being the adoring fan.

What brought all of this to the forefront of my mind was a dream that I had maybe a couple of months ago.

I was at a concert, by myself. David Bowie happened to be an audience member at the concert, but towards the end, they called him up and he gave a little performance for us. I stayed around after the concert hall cleared and DB and several fans/friends were hanging out around their seats. Being the fan that I am, I approached with a pen and paper for an autograph. While I waited, I got so nervous and kept thinking about how I was supposed to not just tell him that I loved his music. I got pretty panicky, which made his other fans and friends laugh at me, but I tried to keep my cool. It didn't work at all, and I managed to put my foot in my mouth telling him what a big fan I was. He seemed indifferent. As he signed my paper, I did ask him if he had pets. He seemed a little surprised, but told me that he had two (a dog and a cat, but I can't remember their names, which he also told me). Then I managed to walk away full of excitement and nervous energy while his fans/friends laughed. I flipped them off as I walked away because I felt, at this point, nothing could bring me down.

The thing about this dream? That's what would really happen if I ever met him. All of that information and crap would be running around in my head while I made a bumbling mess of myself. But here is the main thing--I idolize him and I have been such a big fan for so long. His music and Labyrinth have had such a big effect on me and my life. How could I not try to convey that to him? His work has meant so very much to me and touched me on levels that I didn't know existed. And while, to him, I would just be another nameless (and maybe crazed) fan, it would mean the world to me to watch him perform and to meet him. Even if he didn't remember me after, I would be so happy. I honestly think that I could die happy if that happened. Which makes me feel a little silly, but that is how much he has impacted my life.

So there you have it. I love David Bowie. And I love Labyrinth. DB and Labyrinth, even after all these years, still hold a lot of magic for me. I think that's why I am such a fan. Never mind my differences with younger Mr. Bowie (though he has grown so wise and dignified, I think, I find it easier to forgive his past indiscretions), never mind what anyone else thinks. I am a DB fanatic. And proud.

This was a very personal post for me. Most of my friends and family like DB fine, but I have a pretty personal connection to his work which no one that I know personally shares. I promise that I am not so weird about most things in my life (except, perhaps, my pets)... But thank you for reading. I will let you all know if I ever get the chance to stumble my way through meeting my idol.