Let Me Skip Mother's Day

Often times I feel like I am barely getting by. Being a mom is hard and its exhausting. I am constantly doing dishes and planning meals and preparing bottles in between all the other things that need to get done. Oh, and taking care of my toddler.

A minor disagreement this morning upset me a ton. I think I had been feeling OK lately. I felt like I was doing OK, managing, keeping up. And then my husband made a comment that made me plummet. Which I'm sure was not his intention nor would he think I would have reacted so strongly. I was on my way out the door to work, so I didn't say anything about it and just left. And then I got in my car and couldn't focus. I couldn't even drown out my thoughts with music or audiobooks. And then I found myself alternately internally conversing with myself and crying all the way to work. Where I then sat in the parking lot and sobbed for a few minutes.

And I realized that I never feel good. I never feel like I am succeeding or winning. I waver back and forth between "barely getting by" and "doing OK." Some days or weeks are a nightmare and some days and weeks are manageable. But I am always exhausted and for some reason I have this thing in my head where I think that if I can just get a little bit more done or a little more ahead, I can rest. The thing is, there IS no "getting ahead." The work and mental strain is constant and I am probably just making it worse on myself by adding this pressure that "if I just get a little more done maybe later..." And some days/weeks, that depresses me and I can hardly bear it and I waver into "barely getting by" territory. But even when I am in the "doing OK," I still see times when I am too tired to do more. Sometimes I just need things to be easy.

And getting much time to myself is a bit of a joke. I can only write this because Gabriel's daycare has a parent's night out once a month where they watch kids in the evening and feed them so their parents can go do something. Or in my case, come home and clean the rat cage and vacuum, fail at taking a short nap, and write this instead.

I actually thought I was doing OK. There were a couple things I did recently that I felt like, "This helps, it is easier and sometimes this is just how it is and that's fine." Except I don't know that my husband sees it that way. And his comment threw me into realizing that it is never enough. There is always more I should be doing (even though I don't always have the capacity). And realistically I know I can't do it all so I have to let some things go. But that made me feel that I also will never be enough. 

Do other moms feel this way? I realize it isn't totally logical, but it is how I feel.

So when my best/best-for-now isn't enough, what do I do with that? 

And that is why I am dreading Mother's Day. Not for mothers in general. Just for me. I'm really struggling right now and I am not up for celebrations. All I really want is a break and rest and sleep and then I feel guilty for it.

Anyway, I am not trying to get sympathy or pity or looking for someone to fix it. And I love Gabriel more than anything and wouldn't trade him for the world. But I would like to know what some of you other moms think and do. How do you get by? What do you do when your best-for-now isn't enough? 

But I think I will skip Mother's Day this year. Right now all I feel like it is doing is showing how much of a mother I am not. Right now all I am seeing are my shortcomings. Maybe next month.