Let Me Skip Mother's Day

Often times I feel like I am barely getting by. Being a mom is hard and its exhausting. I am constantly doing dishes and planning meals and preparing bottles in between all the other things that need to get done. Oh, and taking care of my toddler.

A minor disagreement this morning upset me a ton. I think I had been feeling OK lately. I felt like I was doing OK, managing, keeping up. And then my husband made a comment that made me plummet. Which I'm sure was not his intention nor would he think I would have reacted so strongly. I was on my way out the door to work, so I didn't say anything about it and just left. And then I got in my car and couldn't focus. I couldn't even drown out my thoughts with music or audiobooks. And then I found myself alternately internally conversing with myself and crying all the way to work. Where I then sat in the parking lot and sobbed for a few minutes.

And I realized that I never feel good. I never feel like I am succeeding or winning. I waver back and forth between "barely getting by" and "doing OK." Some days or weeks are a nightmare and some days and weeks are manageable. But I am always exhausted and for some reason I have this thing in my head where I think that if I can just get a little bit more done or a little more ahead, I can rest. The thing is, there IS no "getting ahead." The work and mental strain is constant and I am probably just making it worse on myself by adding this pressure that "if I just get a little more done maybe later..." And some days/weeks, that depresses me and I can hardly bear it and I waver into "barely getting by" territory. But even when I am in the "doing OK," I still see times when I am too tired to do more. Sometimes I just need things to be easy.

And getting much time to myself is a bit of a joke. I can only write this because Gabriel's daycare has a parent's night out once a month where they watch kids in the evening and feed them so their parents can go do something. Or in my case, come home and clean the rat cage and vacuum, fail at taking a short nap, and write this instead.

I actually thought I was doing OK. There were a couple things I did recently that I felt like, "This helps, it is easier and sometimes this is just how it is and that's fine." Except I don't know that my husband sees it that way. And his comment threw me into realizing that it is never enough. There is always more I should be doing (even though I don't always have the capacity). And realistically I know I can't do it all so I have to let some things go. But that made me feel that I also will never be enough. 

Do other moms feel this way? I realize it isn't totally logical, but it is how I feel.

So when my best/best-for-now isn't enough, what do I do with that? 

And that is why I am dreading Mother's Day. Not for mothers in general. Just for me. I'm really struggling right now and I am not up for celebrations. All I really want is a break and rest and sleep and then I feel guilty for it.

Anyway, I am not trying to get sympathy or pity or looking for someone to fix it. And I love Gabriel more than anything and wouldn't trade him for the world. But I would like to know what some of you other moms think and do. How do you get by? What do you do when your best-for-now isn't enough? 

But I think I will skip Mother's Day this year. Right now all I feel like it is doing is showing how much of a mother I am not. Right now all I am seeing are my shortcomings. Maybe next month.

March and April 2025 Wrap Up

And welcome back!

I don't even remember what has been happening the last two months. Work has been OK. A bit busy but not bad and generally better than it had been for a long time.

Parenting continues to be challenging and also wonderful. Gabriel is walking pretty well now and using some words. But man, parenting life is hard. Good thing he is the cutest baby around!

The new apartment is pretty great. It is so much nicer and in a better part of town. We go for walks a lot (Gabriel LOVES being outside). We are fairly settled in and I am trying to keep up with chores a bit better than I was at our last place. Just to try to keep it feeling nice and homey.

I read a lot of books in the past two months. I will try to keep my reviews brief.

Rebel Witch by Kristen Ciccarelli

Narrator: Grace Gray

Synopsis/Thoughts: This is the sequel to Heartless Hunter, which I read last year and loved. Rune is now under obligation to serve Cressida Roseblood, a cruel witch and former member of the ruling family. Gideon wants both of them to fall, but his feelings for Rune have put him in a precarious position. Witch sympathizers can be sentenced to death. When Cressida hatches a plan to raise her two sisters from the dead, Rune cuts her losses and runs. She and Gideon team up and try to find the lesser of two evils: a world where witches rule (cruel or not) as they once did, or a world where witches are hunted and killed. I have to admit that, while I did like this book, I didn't love it as much as Heartless Hunter. I thought the first one was so clever. This one definitely had fantastic moments, I just think that it wasn't as good as the first.

3.5 stars out of 5 stars 

 

Where the Library Hides

by Isabel Ibanez

Synopsis/Thoughts: This is the sequel to What the River Knows, which I read last year and really enjoyed. Inez is reeling from the murder of her favorite cousin and her uncle is determined to send her home. The only thing she can think of to secure her future and inheritance is to get married and quickly. Whitford is in a different position, but would benefit from the same arrangement. At first everything seems fine, aside from her uncle's rage. Until Whit makes off with her inheritance. Despite that, they have to band together to bring down Inez's mother. I felt that this book held up to the first one. I enjoyed it and despite the bad things, I generally love Inez and Whit's relationship.

4 stars out of 5 stars

10 Things That Never Happened

by Alexis Hall

Narrator: Will M. Watt

Re-read. I've read this book a lot. I don't want to talk about it.

5 stars out of 5 stars 

 

Nevermoor, Wundersmith, and Hollopox

by Jessica Townsend

Narrator: Gemma Whalen

Re-reads

Overall 5 stars out of 5 stars

The Scorpion Queen

by Mina Fears

Synopsis/Thoughts: This was a recent Owlcrate book and I participated in the read-a-long on their app. Aminata has been disinherited by her family and placed in service to Princess Mariama. The princess's father has created a series of trials that no man can conquer in order to claim the princess's hand in marriage. When Aminata's former fiance and love becomes the next candidate, she and Mariama hatch a plan to make sure he survives. Meanwhile, Aminata is planning to run away with the boy she loves and start a new life together. This book was pretty good, but some parts struck me as very odd. I think it was a decent read, but I didn't love it. I don't think I will read the next book when it comes out.

3 stars out of 5 stars

Illusionary by Zoraida Cordova 

Narrator: Frankie Corzo

Synopsis/Thoughts: I loved Incendiary so I had to read the second book. Renata and Prince Castian have teamed up to find a way to kill King Fernando by finding and using the Knife of Memory. On their way, they encounter friends and foes alike, and people who will challenge the way they think and feel. Especially as they seem to find themselves alone in their goals. I don't know if I loved this one quite as much as the first book, but almost. I adore so many of the characters and I was delighted to see Leo again. I really liked the way the characters developed and even changed a bit in this book. I love Ren and Castian. I just really enjoyed these books much more than I expected to.

4.5 stars out of 5 stars

 

The Pandava Series

by Roshani Chokshi

Narrator: Soneela Nankani 

Re-reads

4 to 4.5 stars out of 5 stars

 

 

 

Frontier Magic Trilogy

by Patricia Wrede

Narrator: Amanda Ronconi

Re-reads

4.5 stars out of 5 stars
 

These Violent Delights

by Chloe Gong

Synopsis/Thoughts: This was an old Owlcrate book that I was trying to knock off my list. It is generally a Romeo and Juliet retelling that takes place in 1920s Shanghai. Juliette Cai is the heir to the infamous Scarlet Gang, one of the ruling gangs in Shanghai. Opposite her is Roma Montagov, prospective heir to the White Flower gang that has gained a lot of power in Shanghai. Juliette and Roma were former friends and even fell in love. But when they were found out, their families forced them apart. But with the rise of communism and a mysterious disease that causes madness and suicide taking over Shanghai, the two team up to get to the bottom of it. I will say that I think I enjoyed this more than I thought I would, but a couple of things seriously grossed me out. I don't know that I will read the second one because of that. But there are a few characters that I really really liked and want to see how they end up (namely the people that are closest to Juliette and Roma). So I may read the next one just for that. I think I need to know what happens to Mars and Ben...

3 stars out of 5 stars 

The Golden Raven

by Nora Sakavic

Synopsis/Thoughts: The adventures of Jean and Jeremy continue! It was nice to see Jean healing and we finally got more of Jeremy's backstory. And we finally got some Exy and watch Jean adapt to the USC way of playing. Overall a nice read. I feel like there wasn't a strong plot, but I just enjoyed it.

4 stars out of 5 stars

 

 

Cursed Boys and Broken Hearts

by Adam Sass 

Narrator: Torian Brackett and Adam Sass

Synopsis/Thoughts: Grant is sure that he was cursed to never have a relationship by the wishing rose at his family's vineyard at 13 years old. Now grown up, he returns to the vineyard to help his aunt try to save it. While he is there, he reconnects with Ben, his former crush and best friend. Turns out that maybe Ben was also cursed to not be able to maintain a relationship. But as they work together to save the vineyard, maybe they will find they aren't so cursed after all. This was a nice little story. It was sweet and occasionally funny. I enjoyed Grant's family, especially Aunt Rose.

3 stars out of 5 stars

 

 

The Beasts We Bury

by D.L. Taylor

Synopsis/Thoughts: This was a recent Owlcrate book and I participated in the read-a-long on the app. Mancella is her father's prospective heir, set to rule their realm. Only people with magic can rule and Mancella's particular gift is one her father has been fostering for many years. He will stop at nothing and push her limits to get what he wants, even if it isn't what Mancella wants. Silver is a commoner who was hired to infiltrate the palace and ends up befriending Mancella. This book started rough. I cried within the first couple of chapters and there were some hard things that made me not sure I wanted to keep reading. But it was a good story and I really liked Silver and Mance together. I am not sure if I will read the next book or not, but I am leaning towards yes.

4 stars out of 5 stars 

 

 

Fablehaven and Rise of the Evening Star by

Brandon Mull

Narrator: E.B. Stevens

Re-reads

5 stars out of 5 stars

Favorite book read in March and April: Probably either Illusionary or the Golden Raven (not counting re-reads)

Least favorite book read in March and April: The Scorpion Queen

I have now read 33 books towards my goal of 75 books for the year, putting me ahead of schedule. And I managed to read a few Owlcrate books, too!

New Year 2025 and January and February 2025 Wrap Up

Sorry this post is so very late. And welcome to 2025. Crazy.

New Years goals are hard as a parent. Or maybe just for me, I'm not really sure. There are so many things that I'd like to do, but I am not always able to do much more than I already am. So much of my time is just spent getting by. Babies take so much time and energy. And they get it first, always. Not that I would trade Gabriel for anything. It is kind of amazing how much you can love someone. Even when I am tired and frustrated. So goal one, I want to keep trying to be a better mom. It is a continuous goal. I think I have done better over time, but I do see all my own shortcomings, especially when it comes to my own patience.

My job is absolutely draining and exhausting. It makes it hard to do anything extra. I haven't decided if I want to start looking for something else or if some of the work, spite, and the people I really like can get me through longer. I have also thought about possibly cutting my hours to see if having a little more time to myself will help. I haven't made a decision about that yet.

I set my reading goal for 75 books again this year. There were times I thought I would not make that last year, but I managed. I think I underestimate how much I am able to catch up once we reach spooky season. I also want to keep reading through more of my Owlcrate backlog, which is going pretty well so far.

I also want to keep up on my journal and (hopefully) here on my blog. I will do my best. It is obviously already behind.

And the main reason I am starting off so behind is because we moved to a new place. Which is great and we have more space and we are really liking it. But it was soooo hard for me to find time to actually move and pack and then we had to clean everything, but we also had a baby who did not want to let us (me) get anything done. Which continues to be a challenge especially for me unpacking and putting things away. Despite my commute being much longer now, I am so much happier at the new place. I will manage. Plus Gabriel has gotten sick numerous times, once with RSV. He was recently vaccinated so his case was pretty mild, but having to keep him home from daycare and not having much time to take off from work makes things challenging. Poor kiddo. I think this is just part of toddler life: regular illnesses.

I did a walking challenge with some of my girlfriends in February and that was fun. We participated in a Conqueror challenge and I am trying to continue to walk more and may do another one on my own in the near future. I am also planning a short vacation with a couple other girlfriends for June (without the baby) which I am really excited for.

Since this is so late, I will try to keep my reviews extra short, but I do want to share the books I read. Especially because a couple of them were surprisingly great.

 

 

At the End of the River Styx 

by Michelle Kulwicki 

Synopsis/Thoughts: Zan traded his life to the Ferryman of the river Styx to save his mother's life and was charged with working for the Ferryman for 500 years and has made it through 499. Meanwhile, Bastian is dealing with the aftermath of his mother's death and not doing it very well. He barely survived the accident that killed her and his near-death experience causes him to cross paths with Zan who is meant to bring him to the Ferryman. But as they spend more time together, they both start to change. This book was good and so bitter sweet. There were things I loved, but things that I felt dissatisfied with (and I think we are meant to, so that's OK).

4 stars out of 5 stars

 

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

Narrators: Rebecca Lowman, Maxwell Caulfield

Re-read

5 stars out of 5 stars

 

 

Carry On by 

Rainbow Rowell

Narrator: Euan Morton

Re-read

3 1/2 stars out of 5 stars

            

 Wayward Son and Any Way the Wind Blows

by Rainbow Rowell

Narrator: Euan Morton

Synopsis/Thoughts: The stories of Simon, Baz, Penny, and Agatha continue. They visit America and confront crazy vampires. Upon returning to England with a cursed mortal in tow, the gang try to find their own paths. I enjoyed the rest of these books. They were fun reads and I am glad that some of the loose ends were wrapped up. I was surprisingly pleased with Agatha's part of the story.

3 stars out of 5 stars and 4 stars out of 5 stars

Landline by Rainbow Rowell

Re-read (many times over)

5 stars out of 5 stars 

 

Boyfriend Material by

Alexis Hall

Narrator: Joe Jameson

Re-read

5 stars out of 5 stars 

 

Incendiary by Zoraida Cordova

Synopsis/Thoughts: This was an older Owlcrate book that I decided to pick up on a whim. The story follows Renata, a magical Moria with the power to steal memories with a touch. As a member of the Whispers, a group of rebel Moria, her goal is to help bring down the king and his family and free Moria from their cruel reign. But everything changes when her unit leader (whom she loves) is captured by the evil crown prince. This book took a while for me to get in to, but it took me by surprise and I LOVED it! I can't even say why. It kept me guessing and thinking and wondering. Though there was one twist that I sort of guessed at right away. I have gone back to read the first part and can't figure out what was said that made me guess it, but something did. Anyway, I ended up enjoying it way more than I expected to and am currently reading the sequel.

4 1/2 stars out of 5 stars 

 

The Gilded Ones

by Namina Forna

Synopsis/Thoughts: Another older Owlcrate book that I decided to finally pick up. And another one that I ended up liking more than I expected. This one also took me a little bit to get into. Deka lives in a small village in a very religious country. When girls reach a certain age, their blood is tested to make sure that it is red and not the cursed gold of impurity. When Deka's blood turns out to be gold, her death is all but assured. But a mysterious woman offers her another choice and Deka takes it. I really enjoyed this read. There were lots of strong women, which I love. But the main thing that caught me up was the loyalty. When the girls swear loyalty to one another (even when they don't much like each other), they keep that oath always. And when Deka has a love interest, his loyalty NEVER wavers, even when she expects that it should. I love that questionable loyalty or ones who leave and return were not used in this story to create drama. There is a second book, though this one can kind of stand on its own. I haven't decided if I will read the next one or not yet.

4 stars out of 5 stars

 

What the Woods Took 

by Courtney Gould

Synopsis/Thoughts: What would you do if you were kidnapped in the night and taken away to a camp for troubled teens? Devin does her best to fight (nothing new for her), but ends up in the woods alongside two young counselors and four other troubled teenagers. They are meant to come out at the end of the program as better versions of themselves. But as they go along, their counselors disappear and the group discovers that the woods may be more dangerous than they first appear. This was the Owlcrate book for January so I was able to participate in the read-along on the Nest app (I will try to keep up with the books that are released this year). This is probably not a book that I would have picked up myself, but it was pretty good. I grew to like most of the teenagers and was invested in their journey. And I generally liked the way it ended.

3 stars out of 5 stars

Favorite book read in January and February: aside from the obvious favorite re-reads, Incendiary

Least favorite book read in January and February: What the Woods Took

I should be about on schedule to hit my reading goal of 75 books. And I managed to read the January Owlcrate book with the read-along group and read 3 backlogged Owlcrate books. Though At the End of the River Styx barely counts because it was the December 2024 book. So I think I am off to a good start.

Anyone else have good reading goals or books to share? Thanks for sticking with me! I will try not to be so late next time.